Thursday, January 19, 2012

May We Present This Helpful Brochure...

Johnny Weir. Photo © Official Johnny Weir Blog.

Thank you for calling Maximum Freakage, the Johnny Weir Fans' Crisis Hotline. Please listen closely as our menu options change frequently depending on his mood and the color of his bag.

Press 1 if you're freaked out about his hair. Your call will be automatically forwarded to Eric Alt, who will reassure you in his warmest and most soothing voice that only the finest products were used in creating whatever is on his head today, and also that It's. Just. Hair. And. Will. Look. Different. Tomorrow.

Press 2 if you're freaked out about whatever he's wearing today, what he wore yesterday or to a past event, or what you think he might be planning to wear soon. The outfit in question will be compared to a list of items that Victor is surreptitiously giving away to Goodwill in hopes that he can have at least one freaking drawer for himself. Otherwise, Rachel Zoe and Brad Goreski will listen to your concerns and make copious notes to which they can refer when offering to style Johnny on an upcoming episode of either of their shows.

Press 3 if you're freaked out because he hasn't tweeted in more than 24 hours. We'll empathize with you and read you a comforting selection of past tweets, noting previous time gaps in precise minutes, seconds, and milliseconds, then offer our best calculated guesstimate as to when he'll tweet again. Proven 99% accurate except when he completely surprises us. Which happens... a lot.

Press 4 if you're freaked out about a specific tweet posted prior to January 18, 2012. Linguistics experts, written-voice analysts, grammarians, and his third-grade teacher are on call to help parse every phrase, word, letter choice, and punctuation mark. Their conclusions are then minced and boiled into a mixture consistent with tea leaves, which are read back to you by mystic oracles clad in tatty terry robes. (Results may vary.)

Press 5 if you're really really freaking tired of certain ridiculous comments on the Improv-Ice poll. Operators are standing by to send you a stack of pamphlets to share with commenters, which explain... erm... self-stimulation and how to properly simulate it for all those people who have apparently been doing it wrong. Helpful illustrations include the cover image: a zoomed-in photo of Mr. Weir in the Safety Pants that offers a climactic response to all those protesting with just a bit too much excitement in their outrage that "those pants outline every detail of his anatomy!" An explanation of the phrase "broad appeal" and how that translates into "winning this poll" is included.

Press 6 if you have a mammoth thing shoved in you. We'll try not to giggle.

Press 7 if you're freaked out by this tweet in particular:

If symptoms include hyperventilating, insatiable desire for cookies or chocolate, inability to stop refreshing his Twitter page every five seconds, desperation to redefine the meaning of "tomorrow" ("tomorrow" WHERE? It's already tomorrow in Japan!), and staring in horror at a nearby clock whose hands have SERIOUSLY. STOPPED. MOVING. I. SWEAR. TO. GOD., you may be suffering from:

Please immediately drink three Bellinis, light a candle, and genuflect before an image of Patti. Then allow us to hold your hand virtually whilst we swill more alcohol and await clarification together. Which we're sure is coming ANY MINUTE NOW....

In the meantime, please busy yourself by continuing to vote for Johnny to win Best Improv-Ice Skater:

(Votes as of 3 a.m. EST today.
Please click the graphic to see
the latest real-time poll results.
Cuz these numbers are obvs already outdated.
Since of course you just voted, yes?)

And enjoy this gif of the man who has been happily torturing you since 1:33 pm EST yesterday:

Johnny Weir. Photo © David Ingogly @ Official Johnny Weir Blog.

Gif created from HDOI photos
© David Ingogly.

Nominate Johnny Weir for a social media award in the Shorty Awards!

Hey, Johnny's been nominated for a Shorty Award!! You can join in on the nominating process by clicking here and tweeting your vote for Johnny. Most fans are voting for him in the "Athlete" category. 

Note: The Shorty Awards have very specific rules, which essentially boil down to this:

(1) You can only nominate him ONCE from each Twitter account that you have. Additional votes from the same account will NOT be counted. So it's one of those deals where we need a LOT of different people to vote, rather than a few people voting a lot.

(2) Your nominating tweet MUST include a reason (for example: "I nominate @JohnnyGWeir for a Shorty Award in #athlete because he inspires his fans to believe in themselves"--thanks @PatinaGlace!).

(3) You must NOT copy someone else's reason in your vote. 

All righty then.

The nominating period ends February 17--please vote vote vote!! For more info, click here.

New Q and A! Go read it now!

Johnny's Glitter and Ice collection 
with MAC is selling out fast! 
Don't miss your chance to sparkle--
visit a MAC retailer or order online ASAP! 

Yes! Johnny's dresses are now available
for purchase only on!

At last: Pop Star On Ice is now available on DVD!
Order yours today from the Pop Star On Ice website!

Johnny tweeted:
"Buy my single,'Dirty Love' via iTunes.
Tell all your friends to as well. The more copies sold
takes me one step closer to making a video! №1!"

You know what to do.
Please buy the song from Johnny's website,
or just click the "Buy" button on the player
at the top of the blog!

Hey, Welcome to My World also is available
as an eBook! More info on Johnny's website!

copyright 2012 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved


Princess Johnny-Love ♥ said...


*fret fret*

that little nose wrinkle says it all: nyah nyah nyah, you're just gonna have to wait for my BIG NEWS!!



+ a couple other million fans worldwide . . . um, shouldn't that cause some kind of worldwide phenom, like the butterfly flapping its wings thing . . . or Twitter crashing anytime Johnny has BIG NEWS?!!

*big sigh . . .*

going to bed and hopefully he'll have tweeted by the time i wake up.


Peace said...

Gaaaaah is right!! Altho this Freak-out buddy is very helpful!! Also, I'm pretty sure every time someone watches that ADORABLE GIF, a homeless puppy gets adopted!! *I am resuming flail mode now*

germansoulmate said...

I ♥♥♥♥ you for this post as continuation of yesterday´s twitterthon following Johnny´s cryptic tweet. So much fretting, still so much fun...I want to thank all who participated and held hands and shared cookie, chocolate and group hugs. We are a bunch, I tell `ya.

Debora Walsh said...

My fists are so clenched from nerves that I can't get the pamphlet out!!

aaaack said...

Misfit, thank you for holding our collective hands and applying soothing pink Pepto Bismol to smooth out our stomach knots while we wait.

We also need a wallet card to keep with us at all times. Backside would have Johnny's photo and current Mission Statement (which changes with the seasons), front side would repeat all the brochure's hotline numbers.

First, yesterday's wikipedia blackout, now Johnny's news blackout. Patiently waiting is not my forte.

Vicky said...

I laughed so much at this, thank you. And scrunchy nose gif is so just what I needed. Love it to pieces.

WheresMyKoppy said...

LOL! I love the gif, and the brochure is brilliant! I was reading all the tweets after I got home from work the other night in response to Johnny's tweet and I admit, I was wondering myself what the heck he was referring to. I had no idea, I guess none of us had, that he had already made the decision to come back. I actually entertained the thought that Johnny might be telling us he was going to adopt a baby or something...