Friday, November 5, 2010

Fun Friday Post Is Fun

Well, now we know this much:

People magazine reported yesterday that the "skating pros' identities will soon be revealed by ABC." Yay! It’s great to have something as strong and definite as "soon" to hang our skates on! And hello what about THE JUDGES ...?

So while I was sitting here yesterday sucking down my third or fourth venti dark-cherry mocha of the day with my foot tapping 900 beats/second waiting for SOME KINDA OFFICIAL SWTS ANNOUNCEMENT (and I dunno how Deb Walsh could hear me from there, but she did), my mind started wandering as it is apt to do, winsome little ADD child that it is, and I was thinking, "OK first of all let’s say he really IS going to be Judge Johnny on SWTS which means Johnny on my TV every week for six weeks in a row and THAT is simply nirvana right there, especially since we’ve been gasping and clawing weakly at our throats to the point of collapse during this months-long BGJW drought ..."

... and then I started thinking that actually he'd be really great as Judge Johnny on The People's Court too …

[Scene: Johnny is on the bench presiding over The People’s Court NOT clad in a drab black judicial robe, but rather in a full-length sable coat with a dazzling diamond brooch affixed to it. In his hand he thoughtfully hefts a solid gold Swarovski-encrusted gavel as he considers the hapless plaintiff before him.]

Johnny: Seriously? You loaned this person [waves gavel fluidly in the direction of the defendant] $1,500 and you didn’t think to have him sign a promissory note? Or even scrawl something on a napkin? You’ve GOT to get it in writing! Don’t you know that? Are you stupid?

… and then my dear Twingle friend Jenn Kittler was kind enough to gently point out that what I must have MEANT to say was that he’d be GOOD ON ANYTHING AT ALL (yes, of course! Thank you, Jenn!), and THEN since I had already inhaled the last of my venti, I kinda drifted off with my foot still maintaining its staccato beat and one hand hovering over my keyboard hitting "refresh" on Google News every 30 seconds or so while clutching my TV remote in the other hand, index finger pressed against the "channel" button, clicking along in time with my foot taps …

-CLICK-

Dexter
[Scene: A male victim is strapped to a table with cellophane wrap, mouth gagged, eyes panicked. Johnny/Dexter stands serenely at the head of the table, plastic apron tied just so, full-face visor in place, bejeweled jigsaw held loosely in his finger-condom-clad hands.]

Johnny: This may get a little arm cutty-offy …

-CLICK-

Glee
[Scene: Johnny/Sue is seated at his desk, sporting a red Adidas track suit and surrounded by trophies. His beautifully manicured fingers drum incessantly against his clipboard. Will Schuster is seated across from him.]

Will: You can’t do this! Those kids have worked too hard for you to ruin Regionals for them. Again.

Johnny: [cocks eyebrow and leans forward] Hard work? Let me tell YOU about hard work, you brillo-headed tone-deaf poster boy for all the things that were wrong with '80s boy bands. I skated backwards uphill both ways in Red Square wearing only a mink bowtie to outrun the KGB. Hard work? Try slitting a man’s throat from 100 yards with a thrown skate. Your little freaks don't know the meaning of hard work--

-CLICK-

Big Bang Theory

Johnny/Sheldon: I wonder if I’ll get nominated for an Emmy?

[Koothrappali whispers in Wolowitz’s ear. Penny rolls her eyes. Wolowitz snickers.]

Johnny: Why are you laughing? We have a show on TV. You can get an Emmy for that.

Leonard: They’re laughing cuz you’re a car.

-CLICK-

Dirty Jobs
[Scene: Johnny/Mike Rowe stands on the precipice of a sewer drain in New York. He looks down. He looks up. He looks down again. He looks back up at his work partner, an elderly engineer leaning casually on a shovel.]

Johnny: You want me to go down there?

Pedro: Sí.

[Johnny looks back down into the hole.]

Johnny: There? Down there?

Pedro: Sí.

[Johnny swallows audibly.]

Johnny: Is there a very good reason?

Pedro: Sí. There is a blockage.

[Pedro holds out his shovel.]

Pedro: You are going to unblock it.

[Johnny looks at the shovel.]

Johnny: Not for all the Birkins in China.

-CLICK-

Mad Men

Johnny/Joan Holloway Harris: I feel like I’m stuck somewhere between Doris Day in Pillow Talk and Midnight Lace, when what I need to be is Kim Novak in just about anything.

-CLICK-

True Blood
[Scene: Johnny/Sookie sashays through Merlotte’s Bar and Grill, black shorts and tight white T-shirt drawing admiring glances from the half-drunk patrons. The front door flies open with a bang. Eric and Bill shove their way through the door, each fighting the other to get to Sookie first.]

Eric [breathless]: Sookie! We’ve had enough. You must choose. I can no longer tolerate being an afterthought in your life.

Bill [chest heaving]: Sook-eh, listen to me. I love you. I always loved you. How can you have feelings for this ... this Viking? My blood is in your veins. We are meant to be together!

[Johnny blinks, looking back and forth at the two desperate vampires.]

Johnny: Ya’ll need to calm down. I already told ya’ll how I feel. Eric gets Monday through Thursday. Bill, honey, you get Friday to Sunday. That's the deal. Take it or leave it.

[Johnny turns and exits, ponytail swinging.]

Bill: Was Sook-eh wearing ice skates ...?

-CLICK-

Kaboom! infomercial:

Johnny/Billy Mays: You bet your Loubs I CLEAN tiles! I bet YOU can’t clean TILES like I CAN clean TILES! I SPRAY KABOOM® ON MY TILES! It’s got TRIPLE SPRAY ACTION, which is MORE artistic than other cleaners and LEAVES some energy for TRIPLE AXELS and SPINS! A little KABOOM® plus the exaggerated decibel level of my VOICE and KABOOM®! It’s ALL CLEAN! IT CLEANS SHOWERS! IT CLEANS FLOORS! IT WILL EVEN CLEAN YOUR ENTRYWAY! It will CLEAN EVERY DIRTY BATHTUB IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERIFUNK. Twice! THREE TIMES! WATCH as I KABOOM® this GLUE-GUN RESIDUE off Tara's DRAPES!! WATCH as I KABOOM® Paris!! WATCH--!!

-CLICK-

SpongeJohnny Sparklepants theme song and opening credits!

[Scene: SpongeJohnny and Paris/Patrick are sitting in Squid-lina's front yard, back to back, eyes devoid of rational thought.]

SpongeJohnny: What do you wanna do today?

Pa(ris)trick: I dunno. What do you wanna do today, bitch?

SpongeJohnny: I dunno. What do YOU wanna do today, super-bitch?

Pa(ris)trick: I dunno. What do YOU WANNA--.

[Squid-lina sticks her head out her front door, eyes bulging, pomegranate juice in one hand.]

Squid-lina: If you two don’t be shuttink ups, I killink both you and snail you rode in on!

Gary-Eric Alt [with concern]: Meow.

SpongeJohnny: Hey! I know! Let’s go do a quad on Plankton’s head!

Pa(ris)trick: Yeah! Um ... I can’t quad ...

SpongeJohnny: Oh, it’s OK, bitch. Just keep belly strong! We’ll do it together!

-CLICK-

"… and in a stunning move, the ISU and USFSA today announced in a joint statement that they are scrapping the entire judging hierarchy and incomprehensible WTF Points-Based Scoring Thingy in favor of a new, simplified judging system. Since expressing her interest in a tweet heard ’round the figure-skating world a week ago, Patti Weir has been named the new Czarina of Judging. She in turn has chosen her son Johnny, the 'People’s Skater,' as Czar, and his Aunt Diane as co-Czarina. Together the three promise to revolutionize figure-skating with a simple thumbs-up/thumbs-down judging method that will leave no room for politicking, point-shaving, or podium placements for people who spend most of their programs falling down. The news was heralded as a milestone for figure skating, and in a press release issued by his Agentress, Tara 'Yes! Book Him!' Modlin, Johnny was quoted as saying: 'I am honored to be able to have a positive impact on the sport that I love so much, and I promise to perform "Just Dance" in my Porno Robot costume before every competition as requested by my fans …' "

(… hey, we can dream …)



Oh, and BTW:

(Sweet Weirsus PLEASE let it have a calendar so we can know what's coming up when and how many of our belongings and relatives we need to sell in order to be able to attend every possible Johnny event everywhere ... )

AND:

Yes! I can't wait! If you can't either, you can preorder his book through Amazon right now!



Designer T. Rains and Johnny have teamed up to raise money and awareness for The Trevor Project! This organization is "determined to end suicide among LGBTQ youth by providing life-saving and life-affirming resources." Proceeds from the "Army of One" t-shirt sales will go to The Trevor Project foundation. Order yours today! Your support is greatly appreciated!
For more information, please visit www.thetrevorproject.org.



Yes! You can own a fine art print of Johnny
perfect for any/every room in the house!
Prints of artist Peter Jurik's "Showtime!"
are available for purchase from his website.
More info here!

VERY SPECIAL THANKS
to the incomparable NinjaGirl and my own NicoFierce,
who wrote like 90% of this post and without whom
there would be no super-silly blog today.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
And special thanks also to Jenn Kittler
for the last-minute screen cap!

Please remember to register to receive
the JW Art Project's email newsletter!
They have great tidbits to offer,
and you get a special sneak peek at an exclusive photo
from the Artbook when you sign up!

Special holiday offer!
In exchange for a donation to Toys for Tots,
Trish Aaron-Misiura will send you one handmade,
Johnny-inspired Christmas ornament! More info here!

Please vote for Johnny as "Must-Follow Personality"
in the Fourth Annual Mashable Awards!
To vote, enter "@JohnnyGWeir" in the box after "I nominate,"
and then choose "Must-Follow Personality"
from the pull-down menu.
You can vote once a day until Monday, November 29!
The top five in each category will advance
to the finalists' round, which begins December 1.

copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved

8 comments:

Princess Johnny-Love ♥ said...

"Pa(ris)trick: I dunno. What do you wanna do today, bitch?"

ahahahaha! holy shit! perfect!

and this!

"Johnny: Ya’ll need to calm down. I already told ya’ll how I feel. Eric gets Monday through Thursday. Bill, honey, you get Friday to Sunday. That's the deal. Take it or leave it."

squee!! obviously, Eric gets Mon-Thurs, he's cuter!!

where do i sign up for All-Johnny-All-the-Time t.v.?

i obviously need it NOW!

xo

Robin

Debora Walsh said...

Oh Binky...this is a great one!

LOL SpongeJohnny SparklePants....I'm cryin'quiet-like at my desk. (Tee-heeing like a freak, trying not to let on that I'm reading YOU instead of this stoopid contract!..)Oh I wish somebody had a pic of him in his teeny black sequin shorts in CV on Rivington St. NYC not too far back...Just repeat the name SpongJohnny Sparklepants and you can't help but giggle your mascara down to a minimum....so cute.

...and that pic of him as Billy Mays (RIP, buddy)...OMG I'm dyin'... Look at that earnestly cheery face! He's totes adorbs in every possible way, and yet so freakin' sly & savvy...LOVE HIM!

Can't wait for the official "Officials" notification! ...and Binky, your incessant foot tapping is making all the pictures on my walls shift. (They are all of me and my friends, in which my expression never varies. You know the ones.)
Gotta get back to werkin' now! Thank you for the smiles!

aaaack said...

Rolling on the floor, spitting green tea and orange juice. Your imagination knows no bounds and needs none.

Adding to your list: Remake "The Truman Show" movie starring Johnny and give it a skating twist. Ed Harris, Anthony Hopkins, Al Pacino, etc. are the mean skating judges/manipulators, Lady Gaga is his rescuer. (I see her in a remake of the Apple Superbowl commercial as the hammer thrower.) Galina as Galina. With guest appearances/visits by legendary Russian, American, etc., skaters, singers, acrobats, etc. Then make a three-day-per-week TV series out of it. His contract would call for his being able to wear any designer item under $25K, fresh flowers weekly, plus lines put in his carpet to his exacting specs.

Vicky said...

Oh my goodness, SpongeJohnny Sparklepants, I wish! My son watches SpongeBob seems like 24/7, SpongeJohnny would make it so much more bearable!

Great blog, so funny.

Maggie St. said...

Johnny in Tara's dress ♥ I hate it when men look better in a dress than I do...but not when it's Johnny.

FanTAStic fun-filled Friday feature, Finky! Um, Binky!!

Keep just dancing, Porno Robot :)

bsontwit said...

still laughing MM, love your humor!

and just feel like saying this,

Johnny Weir is the best thing that ever happened to US figure skating. He has inspired me and countless others with his timeless and beautiful skating and the way he lives his life. He has brought many fans into the sport and I love, support and admire him as much as I did 10 years ago when I first saw him skate.

thank you MM, ran into an idiot in the skating world who had prejudice against JW today and I really needed to say that. wish i could fit it into a tweet!♥♥♥

Beth - twitter bsontwit

aaaack said...

Help! The Spongebob images are morphing and exploding. Teletubbies...with Johnny in it...Tinky Winky holding a Balenciaga bag. Tinky Winky in a skinny leotard demonstrating pilates and yoga exercises. And adults across the country suddenly turning on Teletubbies and watching rapt with or without toddlers. Doctors and medical insurance offices reporting drops in back pain complaints across the country....

WheresMyKoppy said...

LOL! You are making me laugh again, woman! I love 'Dirty Jobs', and I'm trying to imagine Johnny doing some of the jobs Mike has done on that show... I think 'poo' must be Mike's favorite word by now... Love the 'Spongebob Squarepants' spoof, ha! I think my favorite is the 'Kaboom/Johnny Clean' infomercial thing!

I also can not wait for the new website or the book, and a calender on the website would be a VERY good thing! And we can only hope Patti would actually be the new Czarina of judging...