Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Johnny for President!

So last night was the Rachel Zoe Project episode featuring Johnny. Which was just wonderful. My favorite part was all the Johnny parts, of course, and then this bit of Brad-Rachel dialogue right after Johnny calls out, "Be good! Actually, be bad!" as he and Tara leave Rachel's studio:

      Brad: LOVE him!

      Rachel: He's. On. Another. Level.

      Brad: Favorite client ever. That was fun!

      Rachel: It WAS fun! It was a nice break.

I love them.

And immediately after the episode aired, the Twitterverse exploded in a JWe lovefest of new fans that warmed the cockles of our hearts like the sight of Paris knitting a blanket does for Johnny, the theme of which was best summed up by @astridasteroid, who, next to Shigesato Itoi, is my new favorite person:

And thus a campaign was born.

Because even though, as my friend/fellow fan Gail Turley gently reminded us, he can't actually run until he's 35 and that's nine years from now, there's no sense leaving these things until the last minute. In the words of A.A. Milne, creator of Winnie the Pooh (who is sort of a cousin of Ping, really, and thus an authoritative voice to be heeded here): Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it is not all mixed up. (This message approved by our candidate, Johnny "a-case-for-everything-and-everything-in-its-case-and-every-case-in-my-Balenciaga-bag-du-jour" Weir, as our campaign motto.)

All righty then! Here are our very organized campaign details:

Political party: Yes. Just that. The Party! To which everyone is invited (well, maybe except for Conservatives, Republicans, Tea-partiers, that guy who wants to burn the Koran, and of course anyone on FOX News ...).

The Party's platform statement: Finally, something in politics that doesn't make you want to scrape your own face off your head with a f*%king snow shovel ...

The Party's candidate: Johnny G. Weir, running for President of the United States of Weir, One Nation Under Gaga.

Running mate: Hello Kitty.

First campaign commercial (we have no idea what our candidates are doing here, but we could just die from the cuteness):

Video filmed in the offices
 of Vogue Nippon.

The Cabal: Will serve in lieu of a Cabinet.

Paris Childers: First Bitch.

Brad Goreski: Chief of Stuff (Really Fabulous Stuff, Like These Heels, For Example. And OMG These Pants!).

Tara Modlin: Secretaritress of (the) State (of Being Snuffled).

Eric Altomare and Joey Camasta: Secret (Beauty Bear) Service.

Viacheslav Romanov: Ambassadortress At Large (though he's really quite slim and doesn't ever have to suck it in).

Skataliban: The United States of Weir's archenemy, who will ultimately be defeated by all that is free and beautiful and not hideously stuffy.

Campaign slogans:

      Sparkle! We've Got to Sparkle!

      Vote for Johnny. You Might Pee a Little. But It'll Be So Worth It.

      Glitter We Can Believe In

      Are You More Fashionable Than You Were Four Years Ago?

      How's This for Stimulus?

      Guuurrrllll We Can

      I Like Spike Heels

      No! New! Taxes! ... On Luxury Goods

      In Your Heart, You Know He Won

      It's the Gargoyle, Stupid

      Fierce and Independent Since 1984

      Russia a Problem? Not So Much

      Johnny Always Has an Endless Supply of Towels
          So There Is Never a Need to Panic

      Johnny Weir Is the Answer to the Universe

      A Chanel in Every Closet and a Louboutin on Every Foot

      The Sequined Majority

      If It Ain't Weir, Don't Watch It and
          for Weirsus' Sake Don't Vote for It

      Let Them Eat Cake! No. Wait. Let Them Look at the Cake
          But Not Actually Eat It ...

Campaign stump speech:

Yes we can wear stilettos and little else.

Yes we can shirtcock till we drop.

Yes we can build a forest of Balenciaga trees.

Yes we can apologize for all those drug references.

Yes we can call it a comeback.

Yes we can call it fraudulent judging.


Yes we can look up "mongoose" in the dictionary and also find out the name of that Swiss guy.

Yes we can find Korean BBQ.

Yes we can make shadow animals on the walls.

Yes we can Kaboom the hell out of everything.

Yes we can fix your zipper.

Yes we can enjoy the ass cuppage because it's physical contact and we never have sex anyway ...

Yes we can mount it.

Yes we can skate in the frozen cornfields when we're 12 and NOT have to lie about it.


So please join our campaign: "Johnny Weir for President in 2020!" Because even more than we need hope (which I am all in favor of and still support 100%), we need what Johnny stands for most of all:

Coming up: Hey, there's even already a
beautiful (presidential) portrait of Johnny!
And you can buy one for yourself!

Twitter voting roundup!
(although I have to say that I'm not impressed
with the way Faxo is monitoring--or rather, not monitoring--
this voting stuff, so I'm kinda only half-heartedly following
these contests now but I still want my people to win ...)

Vote here for Johnny to win "Follow Me."
Current rank: #1
2 voting days remaining.

Vote here for Johnny to win "Mr. Twitter"!
Current rank: #11
23 voting days remaining.

Vote here for Gail Turley's blog
"WheresMyKoppy" to win "Best Blog"
Current rank: #5
9 voting days remaining.

New! Vote here for Johnny
(current rank: #7)
and here for JW Art Project
(current rank: #43)
to win "Best of Twitter"
23 voting days remaining.

Yes! Johnny Is skating in Yu-Na Kim's fabulous show,
All That Skate, in Los Angeles in October!
Everything you need to know about tickets
and special gatherings of The Cabal
is right here!

Very special thanks to Ninja Girl, my own NicoFierce,
Debora Walsh, and Lauren Ashbaugh
for their invaluable help with this post!

Coming soon: More in the series
of translated interviews from the Mook Book
courtesy of the fabulous Akiko Nakata!

copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved


WheresMyKoppy said...

LOL! You have me laughing in the middle of the night again! It's 3:20 am woman!

Ah me, I had to be the one to point out Johnny couldn't run until he's 35, lol! Uh, I don't think 'Hello Kitty' is eligible as a running mate either, but I digress!

Great Blog! I love it! We should start building a campaign 'war chest' right now, I say! What do you think?

Debora Walsh said...

YAY!!!!!! Get Registered, People!!!!
*THIS* would be an Inaugural Parade for the AGES!!

The video our future President and Vice President sharing hand hearts at the Sashimi Summit is only a peek into the era of fabulousness that awaits a grateful nation.


Thank you, Binky & I love the campaign poster!

Mimsie said...

OMG! If the RZ appearance wasn't enough to send me out of my mind....OMGIDIE...your blog is HILARIOUS! I love you clever girls!

Anonymous said...

YES! #JohnnyforPresident! We sure would smile a lot more and maybe take ourselves a little less seriously! and of course figure skating would replace football as the most watched sport, something I think I would love and there may be some resistence to!!!

love that Paris is 1st bitch- that cracked me up!! He would totally own that! But your best comment is your last one, which is the reason Johnny really inspires and connects with people on so many levels... its all about LOVE ♥


julie98 said...

Laughing Out Loud at the campaign poster!
He leaves a trail of moondust and glitter everywhere he goes. Everyone he comes in contact with LOVES him!!

Anonymous said...

It was so much fun watching him clap from pure excitement and happiness last night. I am sure he is clapping now as he reads this blog entry. Good Job Binky!

Quagmire773 said...

I really like the Obamicon!

aaaack said...

Johnny's writing a book, and that's often a sure sign that the candidate is serious. He's also pulled together his brain trust, whom he claims are his Mario karting buddies (but maybe in actuality they are jointly plotting campaign strategy).

He's done a heck of a lot more international travel and has more more international friendships than Sarah Palin. He one-ups John Kerry because he not only speaks French, but also Russian. He's more discreet than Bill Clinton, and cuter than John Edwards. He does not have skeletons in his closet though he has been compared to a "skating skeleton."

Like President Obama, he can break new ground by finally putting a member of the LGBT community into the White House. Like Hilary Clinton, he can also see the woman's perspective by channeling Viacheslav Romanov.

He's only renting one apartment (not owning multiple mansions). He knows how to pack for and stay fresh on the campaign trail, knows how to work the crowds, and knows how to create a great sound bite without the help of shadow speech writers.

He's poorer than Joe Biden. He truly understands the working person's struggles because he is so close to his working class family and friends. You know he's honest because he won't pretend to be something else for the sake of acquiring a medal and endorsements, despite his deep love of fur, vintage Chanel and Balenciaga.

aaaack said...

Binky, just love love love your campaign slogans and poster. I'd go all the way over the top and ask Lady Gaga to be the First Lady. When widower Thomas Jefferson was president, he asked Dolly Madison (James Madison's wife) to be his protocol person and hostess at official White House events. I'd love love love to see Lady Gaga redecorate the White House!!! Her huge following of monsters could serve as campaign trail foot soldiers. Whenever she issues campaign statements, that could be from "Radio Gaga."

aaaack said...

Binky for either Chief speech writer or Press Secretary, naturally.

We need a president who can skate and chew gum at the same time!