Thursday, August 19, 2010

Employment Application



Position Applying for: Assistant to Mr. Johnny G. Weir.

Skills Desired:
• Fluent in English, French, Japanese, Mandarin Chinese, and Korean. But not Russian. So that he and Tara can still have private jokes. And you don't evan want to know what Galina says sometimes ...

• Ability to lift multiple suitcases weighing 5,000 pounds each.

• Ability to quickly disinguish between Louboutins and Jimmy Choos, and between an event that absolutely requires Louboutins versus an event that simply begs for Jimmy Choos. Bonus consideration if you have Sarah Jessica Parker on speed dial.

• Certification in glue-gun accuracy at 50 yards; Pledge and vacuum wrangling; and proper care and maintenance of Balenciaga trees. Typing and twitpic'ing speed of 1,000,000 WPM a plus.

• Ability to KEEP UP, PEOPLE. Because his mind is going at Warp-10 pretty much 24/7 and the Post-Its are just not cutting it ...

Mr. Weir does not discriminate on the basis of religion, ethnicity, race, gender, age, sexual orientation, Starbucks drink preference, choice of sunglasses, bangs or no bangs, preference of Lady Gaga over Christina Aguilera or vice versa, hair color--though he will be happy to consult on a highlights shade before turning you over to Eric Alt--favorite Glee episode or guest star, or choice of underwear brand, though he is highly discriminating when it comes to his own fashion choices and his evaluation of himself. And also smells. So be sure your perfume/cologne is pleasing without being cloying or overstated when you arrive for your interview. Bonus consideration given for pants that are not a little ... snug.

***********************************************************

Name _________________________________________

Address _______________________________________

City, State, ZIP _________________________________

Telephone ____________________________________
(preference will be give to those applicants who hear the opening notes of Lady Gaga's "Telephone" in their heads every time someone asks them for their phone number)

Please note: No matter what, DO NOT CHECK ANY BOXES in filling out this application. Applicants who put anything inside a box of any kind whatsoever--unless it's Paris' stuff that he left at Johnny's apartment and that needs to be boxed up and delivered to him, although even then, bags are preferable--will be promptly eliminated from consideration. Boxes with labels on them will be burned immediately and the ashes mailed to NY Magazine with a tasteful note enclosed.

Please respond to the following questions by drawing an artistic geometric shape around the answer of your choice:

Ethnic Origin (for informational purposes only):
• Pacific Islander
• Other

When are Swarovski crystals appropriate?
• Sparingly, on rare occasions.
• When applied to a sparkly onesie.
• Always, everywhere, on everything.

Please choose the phrase that best describes your style:
• I wear whatever Johnny wears, but it always looks better on him.
• I have arrived at my own style, by which I mean whatever still fits. Which often leaves me looking like an episode of We Are the '80s. So mostly I wear my teenage son's hand-me-downs.
• I am inspired by a leaf, the sun, a bag blowing by in an alleyway ... although not everybody gets it and I've had my share of people crossing the street to avoid passing near me on the sidewalk or gazing fixedly at a point just beyond my left shoulder as they hurry by ...

Please indicate which statement best summarizes your fashion philosophy.
• Less is more.
• More is more.
• More is never enough.
• More is what I want the most of, but I want to pay less for it.

Please choose the Weirism that most reflects your inner lifepath thus far:
• I walk on water. Well, frozen water.
• Now I'm stupid and I own it.
• Sparkle! We've got to sparkle!
• Guuuurrrrllll. Dirty Love. Cocaine!
• The best thing you can ever be in this life is yourself.

Thank you for your interest in working for Mr. Weir. All applications will be carefully considered and responded to in the order received.

Now Serving: #1
Your Number: #1,573,344,296 ...

Please enjoy our Muzak version of "Poker Face" and the following image of your potential future employer while you are waiting ...




Twitter voting roundup!
Thank you again for voting for the blog!

Vote here for Johnny to win "Follow Me."
Current rank: #1
22 voting days remaining.

Vote here for Johnny to win "Sexiest Twitter"!
Current rank: #3
(gaaaah! @JoeFlanigan--seriously?--is still #2)
16 voting days remaining.

Vote here for Johnny to win "Mr. Twitter"!
Current rank: #3
12 voting days remaining.

Vote here for Johnny to win "Best of Twitter"!
Current rank: #6
(YES! He's holding steady ahead of Sarah Palin!)
12 voting days remaining.

Vote here for Johnny to win "Actor of the Month"!
Current rank: #30
2 voting days remaining.

Vote here for Vanya and BonBon
to win "Best Pets" (awwwww....).
Current rank: #9
12 voting days remaining.


Hey! You can enter to win a virtual styling session
with Johnny and a $500 shopping spree
from BlueFly.com!
Just submit a photo of the most
outrageous item in your closet!
Johnny will be choosing the winner in 1 day!
More info here!

Coming soon: More in the series
of translated interviews from the Mook Book
courtesy of the fabulous Akiko Nakata!

copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved

11 comments:

germansoulmate said...

*laughs* You crack me up....

PumaJ said...

LOL, clearly I will never qualify;-)

WheresMyKoppy said...

Now Serving: #1
Your Number: #1,573,344,296 ...
=====

LOL! Laughing out loud at four am!

I really need a job, but I am way underqualified for this one in the language department, the fashion sense department, and probably others as well! I do smell good though, Secret deodorant and Charlie cologne work well together on me! Ha, ha!

pinkmeltingpot said...

YOU.KILLED.ME xD

• Fluent in English, French, Japanese, Mandarin Chinese, and Korean. But not Russian. So that he and Tara can still have private jokes. And you don't evan want to know what Galina says sometimes ...

In a few months, I'll be out of that so I will never qualify xD.

Jessica Lane said...

Dear Mr. Weir,

I would like to submit my application to be your mullet-fluffer/personal slave. My qualifications are as follows: the ability to spot cheap designer knock-offs at 500 paces, everything I own has been bedazzled (honestly, you walk into my bedroom and it’s like glitter bomb), I can curse fluently in several languages, I am an active practicing Gaga-ist and attend church regularly, and am willing to dress in black, ninja style, and take care of all the little things (egging the NYC mag building for example) with which you needn’t sully your perfectly manicured hands.

Sincerely,
Jessica Lane

p.s.
Fantastic blog, mama! Love love!

Debora Walsh said...

What a dream job! I can handle English, French, & Italian (value add!).
I work insanely busy hours now, imagine what I could do for a boss I actually liked & respected!!!
(I'd even be willing to hit the "Rosetta Stone Conversational Russian" if you throw that awesome fox fur Russian hat into the benefits package)....I'm NY/NJ area Johnny...call me!

LOL!! Thanks, Binky for letting me escape into some fun during my insanely busy day...you're the best!

Maggie St. said...

I will work for snuffles!
Also, I know how to cut the cheese.

Mimi said...

LMAO!!! Oh well i'm out! Boo Hoo!!!

Anonymous said...

Such a clever gurl you are!!! Thanks for making us laugh.

TK

Anonymous said...

hahaha! LOVE it!

"will he agree to just pay in snuffles" = oh, Gaga, please!!

other qualifications:

*Ability to sense orangeness and ew! -- anything reeking of #dapper -- from 50 yards and quickly locate an alternate route strewn with rose petals and glitter for Mr. Weir

*Ability to pronounce "girl" correctly. Note: this is a Trick Question & the spelling may be misleading, so consider carefully.

*Ability to promptly find people Mr. Weir has spoken to in the past 6 months and wants to speak to NOW. This includes tattooed men who hang out in B&N.

*Ability to care for a small panda named Ping when Mr. Weir is occupied with important tasks such as writing a fabulous book we all can't wait to read or posing for completely delicious photos.

Robin aka Princess Johnny-Love

Beth (bsontwit-twitter) said...

MM- so funny!! ummmm.....where do I apply...seriously here!!!! =)

Beth- (twitter-bsontwit)