Friday, July 16, 2010

Call Your Local Cable or Satellite Provider Today!

Ah, at last: Johnny's home! And BTW I would really have appreciated some live television coverage of his return, like when Air Force One lands somewhere and there's red carpet and colorfully dressed local dignitaries and awkward presentations of bizarre gifts (note to self: e-mail Tara re: U.S. fan meeting. Oh, and send more e-mails to Anderson Cooper re: Johnny coverage--and to RuPaul too, just to cover all the bases). Because, as I noted irritatedly last week, I am spending a lot of time flopping on my couch and flipping disconsolately through all my channels and not finding nearly enough Johnny on TV.

And since Johnny's schedule fortunately will not be cluttered with poorly judged thanks to stodgy officials who remain hopelessly out-of-touch and biased competitive events in the coming months, that opens up all kinds of delicious possibilities for him to do other things that should be filmed and distributed internationally, or at least photographed and e-mailed to me immediately for forwarding to absolutely everyone I've ever met. Of course we have season 2 of BGJW to look forward to (sweet Weirsus, WHEN does that start? I'm DYING here), and we are still happily campaigning to get him on DWTS, so with any luck at all, we could be watching him at least twice a week on TV come September, when DWTS premieres!

Which, according to my need-more-Johnny calendar, is the 12th of Never from today.

So after careful consideration, it has become clear to me that this is the perfect opportunity to give fans what we really want--I mean besides an endless livestream of twitpics of him in a white Speedo taken in various positions and places around the world ("Look! He's riding a yak in Mongolia! In a white Speedo!" "Oh! He's meeting the Dalai Lama and Queen Elizabeth! In a white Speedo!" "Now he's walking down the street in Brighton Beach! In a white Speedo! With similarly clad large Russian men!" "Oooo, he's singing 'Dirty Love' in his new video! In a white Speedo!" "At last! President Obama is signing into law the ban on Speedo-wearing by heavyset Russian men who in no way resemble Johnny Weir! And lounging there in the Oval Office next to him is Johnny! In a white Speedo!" ... ).

La la la la la we're in our happy place la la la ...

All righty then. Hang on to your top hats and get ready to go to an even happier place ...

We're pleased to announce a new network making its debut in our channel lineup!


Yes, it's JWe-TV! All Johnny, all the time! Because when it comes to Johnny, forget "less is more." Less is just--less. And so unsatisfying. Whereas--like our logo says--too much is never enough.

Now let's take a whirlwind tour through the amazeballs programming--to quote Sports Director Michael Mazzella--that we offer on JWe-TV:

NEWS AND OPINION
JGW News: Everything Johnny, all day, all night, 24/7, 365, no matter how far from Weirlandia he roams, what time zone he’s in, or what planet he’s on. Fan favorites: Forecasts from Deborah the Weather Diva, and daily views of Planet Weir from the Hubble telescope.

Viva Viacheslav!: Broadcast directly from the United States of Amerifunk, Viva Viacheslav! features interviews with glitterati, international royalty, family Weir, and the occasional piece of shrubbery. Anything that will hold still long enough to be interviewed, really. Also featuring Viacheslav’s weekly roundtable discussion with lucky Johnny fans!

SPORTS
Naughty Pilates: Get your daily dose of being stretched into all sorts of … versatile … positions while keeping your body as buff and beautiful as possible. Later in the hour, learn first-aid techniques to untangle yourself because you were too busy watching to see Johnny’s hips pop and now your ankle is somewhere behind your ear ...

Boz on Sports: A very quiet time to sit, stir your cornflakes, and wordlessly contemplate sports other than skating. Unlike most obnoxious sports commentators, our darling Boz understands that sometimes silence truly is golden.

The Outdoor Channel / Weir Edition: Mongoose Hunt! -- The Rabid Beast of the Orange-Shored (*cough SLORED hack*) African Coast! Ride along as big-game hunter Johnny tracks this elusive beast of the Serengeti across burning deserts (SPF 150%), dense jungles (scoping out a new python handbag--fangs included—along the way), arid plains (WTF, Paris, why did you forget to bring water? You travel like you don’t know anything), and stark cliffside beaches (Look! Johnny in a white Speedo!) to create a one-of-a-kind sparkly onesie inspired by the chameleon-like mongoose!

SOAP OPERAS
One Life to Live: Our story so far: When his best is better than the rest, but woefully underscored, Johnny considers seeking a new life in a new town… but then his brother returns from another dimension via Twitter, Paris overcomes his crippling amnesia (how do you forget to take your shoes off, Paris? And OMG. Seriously, how many times do I have to explain to you how to cut cheese?), the Dingles drive themselves off a cliff thinking they are playing Mario Kart, and Tara, in a fit of I-really-need-to-go-to-the-ladies’-room despair, sells Johnny’s furs to support the mysterious and beautiful baby Anastasia, who may or may not be from Planet Weir and who may or may not have been brought here by Coach Galina-Is-Neo … In today’s episode, Johnny learns that you can, in fact, go home again, where Aunt Diane awaits him in her front-porch rocker to share the startling news that she really, really does not want him to plant his naked butt on her right now …

As His World Turns: Tokyo to Moscow, New York to Los Angeles, Delaware to Rio de Janeiro … follow Johnny on a jet-lagged romp through the time zones, complete with tiny travel robes, shopping jaunts, throngs—I said throngs, not thongs--of glittery fans, and a daily shower scene.

FASHION, BEAUTY, AND ENTERTAINMENT
Haus of Weir: Co-hosted by Fresh New Designer (F’nD) and Ninja Girl! Feathers, sparkles, and needles fly as these two diva bitches accompany Johnny on fashion journeys that take him where no man has gone before--and save a few lives along the
way … [cue dramatic music] Petunia never thought she would walk again. Her runway career was tragically curtailed by an errant stiletto vs. escalator incident involving three deaths, from which Petunia barely escaped with her Jimmy Choos intact. She was mangled from the toe down, her pedicure in shambles and her ankle totes swollen beyond the ability to wear a slingback. She had given up hope ... That is, until the Haus came to her rescue! Armed with ballet flats and a can-do attitude (bitch, you WILL wear these Loubs or as Weirsus is my witness, you will never get into another Heatherette show!), these two fly fashionistas and their benevolent Fashionistatress elevate "Retail Therapy" to whole new heights!

Haute or Not: Feeling less than fresh? Need a little pick-me-up? Have a crippling sense of inferiority? Then, girl, you better run the other way, cuz this is not the runway for you! In this spin-off of the wildly successful Haus of Weir, watch as our esteemed panel of Judgetresses takes to task some of the worst fashion disastahs you’ve ever seen. As an accomplished critic of all things beauty from his successful stint as pageant Judgetress on Miss USA, Johnny offers firm but gentle advice on what not to wear ever ever ever. Especially if your pants mark you like this, because that means they're a little ... snug. Guest Judgetresses include Christina Aguilera, Jonathan Groff, Karl Lagerfeld, and John Waters. So, you feeling haute?

Fresh Prince of Big Hair: Airing 24/7, this 90-minute non-stop infomercial for Eric Alt Salons and Alt Hair Care features tips and tricks for coloring your mullet, and an ongoing discussion of bangs or no bangs. He’s more than a Beauty Bear—he’s pure genius! Find out more in three easy payments!

Dancing with the Star: Just Johnny shuffling around his apartment in slippers jamming to Gaga, Pledging, and singing to himself. You’ll feel like a dirty peeping tom at first, but you get over it. You get over it.

POLITICS
Galina vs. Gaga: Two fierce (but fiercely loving) bitches go toe-to-toe on today's most controversial issues, and discuss the true path to becoming big strong man / big strong monster. Fan favorite: Special duet of "Poker Face," to which Johnny skates (of course. Don’t you know that? Are you stupid?)

Hello, Comrades!: Live from planet 12413 Johnnyweir, watch as cosmonauts Rudolf and Mikhail clean, decorate, and generally make fabulous this outer Shangri-la, all in anticipation of Johnny’s arrival.

DRAMA
Weir’s Anatomy: Does anything really need to be said here? No? Didn’t think so.

KIDS 
Family F*$%ing Friendly: What’s more fun than a barrel of mongeese, a top hat full of Johnny, and a bowlful of low-calorie whipped cream? That’s right, kids! Family F*$%ing Friendly! The crew of FFF takes you on a magical ride though the deep, twisted, and oh-so-wacky world of competitive ice skating! Watch as our heroes Johnny, Paris, and Tara battle the naughty Mr. USFSA (UndeservingSonofabitchF*$%ingSloreAbominations) and teach him how to count, read, count some more, be a decent human being, grasp the ways of karma, get eye exams, try to master the alphabet, count, and count again. Poor Mr. USFSA (UniversallySuckyFlatulentSphincterAsshats) has such a problem with his numbers! They just never add up! And that means a major deduction on his GOE (GrossOfficialErrors) score!

The Adventures of Vanya and Bon Bon: (Animated) The daily escapades of two adorable, overweight, and fashion-conscious lap dogs. Voiced by Nathan Lane and Chris Colfer. Fan favorite: Bonus live-action footage of Patti Weir wondering why her son owns two dogs that live at her house where she gets to take care of them …

HOME AND GARDEN
Wanna Strawberry, Bitch?: In the garden and in the kitchen with Johnny! Yes, he loves his peonies. Absolutely loves them. Watch Johnny water his plants and carefully wipe the water spots off with Windex, then prepare food for Paris—really, would Paris just starve to death if it weren’t for Johnny?—including a scrumptious array of tempting chocolate-coated fruits arranged in the shape of a swan. Fan favorite: Johnny demonstrates endless variations on the theme, "How to Eat Cupcakes With Friends Without Using Your Hands."

RELIGIOUS
Holy Zamboni: A daily hour of repeated footage of Johnny’s signature layback slide on the ice, a move we’ve lovingly coined the Holy Zamboni. In … well … slow ... motion … so it ... can be ... savored … oh daddy …

The Way of Weirsus: Broadcast live from St. Sparkle’s Church of the Dazzlerene! Our simple message: Love love. Closing prayer: Please protect us from peer pressure, and help us to deal with all things fashionably. FanTAStic! Which is how we say, "Amen."


PLEASE KEEP VOTING HERE for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award!
(um, voting was supposed to end yesterday,
but the page is still there so whatev... )

Please vote for Johnny in the TUBEY AWARDS!
The Finals, Round 1, are now up, and Be Good Johnny Weir
is nominated for Best Candid Reality Show!
You can vote for him THIS WEEK ONLY!
New Final Categories will be added each Monday;
winners will be announced Aug 25.

Hey! You can purchase a T-shirt
in honor of our Ride for Life project!
We exceeded our $7,500 donation goal,
so now we're aiming for $10,000!
We're less than $2,000 away,
and we have until July 31 to get there!
Shirts are $20 each including shipping,
and $10 of that goes directly toward AIDS/LifeCycle!
Everything you need to know about ordering is here!

Very special thanks to Facebook fans
Nicole Davis and Jessica Lane for their invaluable help
in writing about 150% of this post ...

copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved

11 comments:

noviarium said...

Brilliant, inspired! You'll never get me off the couch with programs like that.

Why is the backward slide called Holy Zamboni?

And I approve of the castin of Chris Colfer as either Vanya or Bonbon.

I love it that Viacheslav has his own show!!! And talks to shrubbery!

"...follow Johnny on a jet-lagged romp through the time zones, complete with tiny travel robes, shopping jaunts, throngs—I said throngs, not thongs--of glittery fans, and a daily shower scene..."

*kneels and crosses herself in heartfelt prayer for this program* Let no day pass without a shower scene. Fantastic!!!! *crosses self again*

Anonymous said...

ngh! *brain just died of sheer happiness*

i'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the fabulousness of this post, MM, so this is all i've got to say:

um, yes, please! to everything and all of it, meggings included!

and, look! it's a heart! ♥ hee hee!

Robin

MImi said...

This is your best yet!
I love it, you are genius!!!
You totally kill me...LMAO and PMAL...
You made cleaning 3 stories of dog hair covered house bearable today!!!
Thank You!!!

bsontwit said...

you really have quite a bunch of ideas for tv shows here!

this one gave me a very much needed laugh:

Boz on Sports: A very quiet time to sit, stir your cornflakes, and wordlessly contemplate sports other than skating.....

still cracking up over it!!

and btw-I love Johnny Weir!!!

Maggie St. said...

This blog should be submitted for an Oscar or something. It's absolutely fanTAStic!

Will Eric be wearing a white Speedo? PLEASE?????

Cannot wait until I'm home again from running errands so I can re-read and re-read and re-read!

and Thank Johnny, Patti, Boz, for simply being so fanTAStic too! ♥

Jana Colgin said...

That was brilliant!

Nico said...

Binks,

Oh, the logo!!..complete with Johnny in the old Coca-Cola font...fizzy, delicious, and 10x as addictive.

Somewhere between the white speedo and the rhinestone moustache and the mega-meggings, you quite possibly saved my wretched little heart from a fabulous-less abyss.

I've thrown away my remote control. There's only ONE channel for me: JWe-TV. (C'mon Sundance Channel...let's make it happen. You totes need a spinoff brand!)

Love love, fanTAStic!
Nico

auntinaz said...

Stop! I'm at the library and you're making me laugh out loud! People think I'm nuts now! LOL! Ah, an all Johnny channel, sigh! 'Holy Zamboni', I love it!

Li Mann said...

Classic Binky!

Anonymous said...

Great post. I have two more suggestions for shows:

JSC: The Johnny Shopping Channel. Buy Johnny endorsed products 24/7 from foot massagers to menthol-scented face masks to Faberge eggs to sunglasses.

Johnny Sez: The Quotable Johnny Weir: (heh, at first I typed "sex" not "sez." Freudian slip of the finger.) Celebrity Johnny-fans read the "best of" Johnny Weir quotes. Videos with his most quotable quotes aired on a rotating basis.

And the sponsors of JWe-TV shows would include: Starbucks, Pledge, Swifter, Windex, Balenciaga, what-ever-company-made-*that*-foot-massager, the MYBA (Mongolian Yak Breeders Association), Swavorski Crystals, and, yes, Speedo.

I'm sure other fans can think of more sponsors.

--Nancy K.

aaaack said...

Tour de Force. Awesome! Like the movie called The Truman Show. And while we're at it, let's remake Moulin Rouge with Johnny in both leading roles....