Monday, June 14, 2010

Special One-Time Offer! Act Now! Quantities Are Limited! Call Today!

Today's big news should be Johnny's response to the Grand Prix assignments that were announced yesterday, but so far all we've gotten from our beloved boy are haiku-like tweets about rain, Japan, and hip swivels, and also a good night to us kittens, all of which does not answer the burning question of will-he-or-won't-he but does send us to our happy place, so in the meantime we are going to go with the OTHER big news which is this:

HEY! We had nearly $1,100 donated via Paypal last week for our Ride for Life project! So as of 12 noon CDT today, we are at $7,362.66, or 98% of our goal!

WE ROCK!!

And so, in the spirit of rock, and roll, and also in light of Johnny's upcoming singing debut with the release of his single, "Dirty Love," we are pleased to present this exciting infomercial brought to you in large part by Facebook fan Trish Aaron-Misiura, who admits she watched WAY too much TV as a kid.

****************************************

[Cheesy voiceover]

YES, IT'S TRUE! THE NEXT 1,000 PEOPLE WHO DONATE $2 TO OUR RIDE FOR LIFE CAMPAIGN WILL BE ENTERED IN A CONTEST TO RECEIVE AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF JOHNNY'S FIRST ALBUM--AVAILABLE SOON, AND JUST IN TIME FOR THE UPCOMING 2010 HOLIDAY SEASON!

K-TEL RECORDS PRESENTS:
"CHRISTMAS WITH JOHNNY MATHIS WEIR!"


[Scene: A rustic, hunting-cabin-style living room. Johnny skates in wearing something indescribably bright and sparkly and very, very Christmasy--yes, thousands of tiny, strategically placed light bulbs are involved--does a fabulous spin, then comes to a smiling stop in front of a roaring fire. A huge, ceiling-high Christmas tree is to his left.]

THIS IS THE ONE ALBUM YOU MUST BUY THIS YEAR! SURE TO BE AN INSTANT CLASSIC! FEATURING THE UNIQUE HOLIDAY SONG STYLINGS OF THE ONE AND ONLY JOHNNY WEIR!

[Cue music. Johnny breaks into "Here Comes Santa Claus," Elvis style. Ass swivels. Lip curls. Pelvic thrusts. More ass swivels. I'm sorry, what were you saying ... ?]

YES, THEY'RE ALL HERE: THE TIME-HONORED HITS YOU REMEMBER FROM CHILDHOOD CHRISTMASES, ALL ON ONE VINYL RECORD (which you can't play anywhere)! SOON TO BE A TREASURED COLLECTORS' ITEM! ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL BE AMAZED!

[Cut to Johnny atop a yak inside the cabin singing the "Sleigh Ride Song": "Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go / Let's look at the snow..." Viewers are riveted.]

ONLY THE FIRST 1,000 WHO DONATE WILL BE ENTERED IN THIS DRAWING! SO ACT NOW!

[Johnny is joined in the cabin by a reindeer, to which he gently and carefully applies M.A.C. powder while singing: "Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer / Had a very shiny nose ... "]

AS AN ADDED BONUS AND AT NO EXTRA COST TO YOU (except $12.99 shipping and handling), WE WILL INCLUDE A SMALL BOTTLE OF WATER CONTAINING THE ACTUAL MELTED ICE FROM JOHNNY'S BLADES, BOTTLED AFTER HIS LAST PRACTICE BEFORE THE OLYMPICS (note to self: grab some bottles, fill with tap water ...)

[Surrounded by adoring woodland creatures, and draped in tinsel, Johnny sings the bridge from "Winter Wonderland": "In the meadow, we can build a snowman / Then pretend that he is Parson Brown / He'll say: 'Are you married?' / We'll say: 'No, man, / We're waiting for Prop 8 / To be thrown out ...' "]

AND  .  THAT'S  .  NOT  .  ALL!

HERE'S ANOTHER AMAZING BONUS! DONATE WITHIN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES AND WE WILL ALSO INCLUDE THE DUST FROM JOHNNY'S VACUUM!

[Johnny shoos the woodland creatures away, clucks at the mess they left behind, then grabs his new Dyson and sings with gusto over its roar: "We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!"]

ACT NOW! DONATIONS ARE POURING IN!
YOU MUST BE ONE OF THE FIRST 1,000!

SO ACT NOW! ACT NOW!! ACT NOW!!!

CALL 1-888-ALL-I-WANT-4-XMAS-IS-JOHNNY-
BUT-I'LL-SETTLE-FOR-THE-ALBUM-
AND-HEY-HOW'S-THAT-ACTION-FIGURE-COMING?


PLEASE KEEP VOTING HERE for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award
(voting ends July 15)!
And please keep pimping out
to everyone everywhere through July 31!

Very special thanks to Facebook fan
Trish Aaron-Misiura, without whom
this post would not have been possible! :)

copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved

11 comments:

WheresMyKoppy said...

Oh my God! You made me laugh out loud at almost 3 am! Stop woman! LOL!

VeronicaA said...

Lol you are sooo funny xD

Mimi said...

I just finished today's blog entry and I just have to tell you how much YOU MAKE ME LAUGH!!!

I take care of my 78 year old aunt (this is the aunt that I print out your blog for) and she had just gotten out of rehab for complete knee replacement surgery on Tuesday, on Thursday she wasn't feeling well, we went to the ER and discovered she had an erratic heartbeat, not a heart attack but pretty close, so she has had her heart shocked back to regular rhythm and is taking iv meds to continue treatment...this real life thing sucks!

I much prefer our Johnny's world of Weirlandia...Reading your blog takes me away to a far off glittery world that I so so so need and appreciate!!!

You need to take this show on the road my JGW soul sister!!!! Many MWAH’s to you!!!

Carla said...

That's good. Do you know whether Johnny reads your blog? I think he would like it.

Jenn Kittler said...

VIDEO! DO WANT!

aaaack said...

Love your blog, so fun!

Must include "Hark, the herald angels sing" sung by Johnny in his angel costume.

Also, I envision Santa placing lumps of coal into the skating judges' stockings.

Jessica Lane said...

I'm not sure if I'd prefer being Johnny's little elf helper or the one who gets to push Orange Herero' Bro in front of an enraged reindeer. Either option would give me hours of entertainment!

Also, if I don't receive an action figure in my stocking this Weirmas I am going to be SORELY dissapointed. Just remember, Weirmas comes every day to those who are good, but when they're bad, they're better.

-Jessica "I'll-ring-your-jingle-bell" Lane

P.S.
Who gets to sit on who's lap? Anyone? This is important!

Nico said...

I love this...with one exception. THAT HAND!!! That Johnny Mathis HAND on our gorgeous man. It literally hurts my stomach to look at.

He's got lots of exquisite, incomparable beautiful...Mr. Weir, that is. (In fact, he might have cornered the market on exquisite, incomparable beautiful). And it's shocking how alarming it is to see him without all his perfect parts, perfectly in place.

Much love! Nico

Anonymous said...

LOL- LOVE the part about the bottle of water melted from ice on his skates, you are a RIOT!!!

BrightonDogwood

Anonymous said...

I'm on a commuter train laughing out loud with everyone staring like I'm insane. This is hysterical! Love, love the Prop 8 mention and fixing Rudolph's shiny nose with Mac had tears of laughter rolling down my face. Johnny will love this.

-Lily

Jenn Kittler said...

You forgot "The Little Drummer Boy" sung in Johnny's I'm-really-trying-to-speak-Japanese-but-now-my-face-hurts-and-I-don't-know-whether-to-laugh-or-cry voice. Which is my favorite.