Friday, May 7, 2010

Behind the Scenes at the Comfy Johnny-Love Blog With Your Host, Mama Monster!

Attention all Weirlandians:
We're expecting an exciting announcement
from Agentress Tara this morning
re: an upcoming performance
by Johnny in Columbus, Ohio!
Please check Johnny's Facebook page
beginning at 10 a.m. for more!
In the meantime, please amuse yourselves
by reading this blog entry with or without the use of
any unusual personal appliances you may have. :)

Oh! You're here! So good to see you! Please come in and make yourself at home! Tiaras and glitter glue and whimsical fantasies infused with gender-transcendant sexuality are on the table by the cupcakes; over here we have coffee and Bellinis; and of course, chocolate-covered strawberries there next to the beautifully lettered sign that reads, "Want a strawberry, bitch?" Also, we have lots of free MAC samples in the corner--be sure to take something home with you!

OK! I think we're ready to get started. Heidi, could you please gather up all your fabulous Johnny photos for just a moment? They tend to distract me and then I just ... sort of ... trail off ... Thank you, dear. Amanda, that red Bosco tracksuit is AMAZING on you! And oh! Michael! LOVE the new hair! Looks JUST like Johnny's while he was in Vancouver. And you're so delectably slim these days--kudos to you! You're right: Substituting my Johnny Weir addiction for my food addiction has really helped me lose weight. Now I just look at food, and then I look at a picture of Johnny, and if I'm really hungry, I drink another Starbucks. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you're so jazzed up on caffeine that you haven't slept since the Oscars.

Anyway: It's so much fun to gather here in between our regular support-group meetings and our get-togethers on Johnny's Facebook page! As you all know, this blog is like an old, overstuffed couch that is so completely comforting and homey. Here we can all kick off our shoes, help each other with new looks while we forget old problems, and thumb through stacks and stacks of Johnny photos and vids and articles, giggling and sighing and SQUEEing in that delicious way that only Johnny inspires. It's a wonderful sparkly place of all Johnny love, all the time, which is, of course, the point.

Oh. No, Jessica, honey. Please don't feed the mongoose. He'll get his dinner of bitter leftovers later.

As I was saying: In my newly designated role as Mama Monster (thank you, Krystal, for that! I LOVE it!) as well as Dame Binky/Knight of Glittering Fabulousness, and also Poet Laureate of Weirlandia--all titles bestowed upon me by other Johnny uber-stans, which I humbly and gratefully accept and strive to honor--I feel the need to ever so gently go over our guiding principles. I know that you all know them by heart, but we do have drop-ins from time to time who appear to need some kindly worded clarification.

1. As I said: All Johnny love, all the time.

2. Dissing Evan Lysacek is not only permitted here, it is encouraged, and celebrated as an art form. All in good fun, with a razor-sharp point to it. Yes, I know he's an easy target, but I just can't help myself. And I don't really want to, either.

3. Please feel free to comment. The more comments, the better! Because you never know when sparkly special readers might drop by to check out our vacuum lines and enjoy the lovefest...

4. Of course, all comments are moderated so that nothing unfortunate--which surely you didn't mean to say because it would just be so out of place for anyone to be that rude here--slips through.

I'm pleased to announce that in the short time that the comfy Johnny-love blog has been open, and out of all the hundreds of comments that have been submitted, less than 1% fell below our standards. (Note: Any comments that were edited EVER so slightly before publishing, to help maintain our foundation of grace and diplomacy, are NOT what we're talking about here.)

You know who you are.* And this is for you:

If you submit a comment that is in its entirety (oh, dear, this is so--distasteful...) hideously unpleasant, please know that your words will never see the light of day here. Instead, they will be unceremoniously hustled out the back door and into the waiting, open trunk of my Sicilian husband's car, where they will take a journey that involves long, dark roads and various types of shovels, and ends with a group of gloomy Sicilian men standing around wiping dried cement off the tips of their shoes and saying morosely to one another: "Whaddya gonna do?" "I know [heavy sigh]. They were asking for it." "Yeah, I know. You can't let that kind of thing go." "Yeah. Whaddya gonna do?" "Come on. Let's go. Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."

I hope that this assists everyone in understanding how things work here. If not, I'm sure my husband and his cousins can offer further clarification. They're all really helpful like that.

Now just two other small points:

(1) Someone quietly complained that it seems "intolerant and hypocritical" to poke fun at Evan, and then say that "Johnny is all about being yourself and being accepted for being yourself." Hmmmm. Actually, that's precisely the point. In my opinion--my blog, my humble opinions, as it says right here on my name tag under "Mama Monster"--I don't think Evan IS being himself. I don't think Evan has accepted himself nor offered a self for the rest of the world to accept. I don't think Evan would even recognize himself if that self walked up and said hello. Or bit him in the ass. In my opinion--with which you are free to disagree, as charmingly as possible, and preferably accompanied by gifts of chocolate--there's a disconnect there which, as noted previously, allows Evan to engage in a chameleon-like inauthenticity to be whoever he needs to be in order to get whatever he wants in any given situation. Of course, he's not alone in that--there are lots of people out there struggling with discovering and owning who they are. And I sincerely hope all of them, including Evan, can work their way through that. But in the meantime, that disconnect is the opposite of everything that Johnny stands for. And creates a super-wide door through which all kinds of fun at Evan's expense can enter, like fun so big that it bursts in via some type of overloaded military transport. For which I am really grateful because nothing cracks me up more than stuff like this.

(2) Dear [name redacted by authority of Homeland Security]: Let me assure you that my perceptions were informed by more than I am able to share here, because not everything can or should be blogged. And I am not interested in your ugly and petty gossip, so please move along. Although you're welcome to take this perfectly precious glitter-coated favor bag with you, full of genuine goodwill and Johnny stickers and a mini stuffed panda. Really. My pleasure.

And finally: We have a wonderful announcement to make! Let me be the first to congratulate Michael as we bestow upon him the honorary title of "Johnny's Southern Belle"! Please take a moment after our program to snuffle him so he knows how much y'all love him. (Oh Michael, your drawl and your beautiful self are simply contagious--just like Johnny Fever... :)

OK then! I think that's everything! Thank you for listening.

Deborah, I believe you're in charge of tonight's craft time? We'll be making life-size posters of Johnny from these anatomically correct images that Lizzy created in which she has carefully Photoshopped away all of his clothing. Everything you need is right behind m--aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[muffled scream as 38,221 Facebook fans trample Mama Monster in order to grab their craft supplies to create a really sparkly special take-away from tonight's meeting...]

Please keep voting for Johnny
as "Most Addictive Reality Star"
in the NewNowNext Awards! Vote here
(he's the last one listed in the fifth category--scroll down!)
or on Twitter by constantly tweeting #realityWEIR.
Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time
to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!
And vote here for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award!

Special thanks to Johnny Weir Facebook fans
Lizzy Pine for the artwork from the
"Show Johnny the Love" Facebook page, and
Gabriela Cabrales for her truly incredible collection
of skating macros on Facebook.
OMG! If you haven't seen them,
you must go there RIGHT NOW and laugh yourself sick.

 *No, no, Laura, not you, dear!
I know you were just having a very difficult day.
And not you either, Sean!
I couldn't do your comment justice here,
so that's how it ended up as this must-see video
that you created to illustrate your opinion,
which I love.
copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved


Anonymous said...

yay! a new blog post! thank god, a day without one and i'm going through withdrawal . . .

part of what makes loving Johnny so cool is meeting all these lovely people who love him too and are truly awesome. :-)

before i forget, congrats to our lovely Johnny's Southern Belle! Michael, you need a big hat to go with your new title! and maybe a fan?

and i have to say, Mama Monster, the keywords for your blog posts are truly an art form. i'm giving them a rating of 10 million trillion stars! :-D


Wendy said...

"All Johnny love, all the time." Yay!

And Michael, congrats on the new title! Go ahead and get used to being called 'JSB' on FB. :)

auntyamyj said...

Oh, Mama Monster! Allow me a moment to pick myself up off the floor after reading, "WANT A STRAWBERRY BITCH?" I don't know why but that just killed me and is going to be my quote for the day, right behind "EVERYBODY HAS NIPPLES". Oh, wouldn't it be fun if we all lived close to each other? So we could indulge in our staniness together all the time?
Oh, and as a side note, how come the Sicilian thugs reminded me of the Vultures in Disney's "Jungle Book"? "Wot 'you wanna do? I don' know, wot you wanna do?" heheheheheheee

Jenn Kittler said...

I agree with you re: Evan. Also, so many people are unhappy with the points system and its emphasis on elements over artistry. Evan draws a lot of anger as the symbol of that 'broken' system. Maybe he deserves that, maybe not. I think he does. YMMV. As for Johnny's message of acceptance, true that. But he'll still call bitch when necessary.

aaaack said...

There's an article in the New York Times today on Neanderthal interbreeding:

"By comparing that genome with those of various present day humans, the team concluded that about 1 percent to 4 percent of the genome of non-Africans today is derived from Neanderthals." While I read this, an image of Evan popped up in my brain. Uncanny.

bsontwit (twitter) said...

first of all, i have really tried the last few days to think about topics other than johnny weir only to fail miserably so i have given up!

second, i usually try to edit myself to not be too nasty to evan (but feel free to edit me binky if i need to be), i dont hate him, he just seems like the phony kid in school who always kissed up and did everything right, maybe at 43 i need to get over this stuff, but i really did not like how he said johnny wasnt talented enough to be part of the stars on ice tour, thats just downright nasty and unnecessary from the winner. it made me even more pissed off because in my UNBIASED opinion, johnny is the best skater of all time and i have been following figure skating for years. maybe evans combinations give him more points in the end or maybe there's just a prejudice against johnny because of his personality- which i love - but i think if you compare their same jumps or spins side by side, johnny wins. it just really bugs me that you are excluded and judged just because you act what is considered "too gay" or too different whether you are or not. and i am a heterosexual woman, but with all the crap going on these days in the world who cares if you are gay or straight or act masculine or feminine, it really should matter more what type of person you are. and johnny does get bitchy, i love that about him too, but doesnt say anything to hurt someone,he is just speaking his mind, as we are too.

ps- i think i need to join facebook...

also, congratulations to michael!

Jessica Lane said...

Oh um… Mama, I wasn’t feeding the mongoose! I was baiting it with certainly-not-epicac flavored num-nums. His big plate of bitter is, like revenge, a dish best served cold. Before too long we will see him gobble it up.

Now, let’s get you off the floor and scrape the foot prints off your face. Craft time does so excite the natives, bless their hearts. I still have scars from the last “pin the tiara on Johnny” game. And have you ever tried to get glitter out of your hair? Well, of course you have, but you’d think they’d make something just for that purpose. Could this be a new enterprise for Johnny?

Johnny’s Glitter, Glue, and Glitz Remover! Ground in Swarovski stains? All fingers and toes stuck together tighter than a skaters behind? Guyliner that just won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub and scrub and frantically scrub? From the queen of all things clean, JGGGR!

Er…. Maybe the name needs some work… I’ll fiddle with it on the long drive to Ohio to see/stalk our boy. Squee.

Love you, Vinky, and thanks for the laugh!