Sunday, May 16, 2010

And Now for the Interview Portion of Our Pageant...

Weirlandia's King Johnny enjoys a patriotic photo op
with the very first Miss America,
Margaret Gorman, the 1921 pageant winner
who rocked some serious headgear à la Lady Gaga.

Interestingly, the Miss USA pageant came into being 30 years after Miss Gorman won that first crown,  when the 1951 Miss America winner, Yolanda Betbeze (I am not making this up) refused to participate in publicity photos that required her to wear a swimsuit. So pageant sponsor Catalina Swimwear snatched up all its swimsuits in a huff and flounced out the door to create the Miss USA/Miss Universe pageants, which Donald Trump eventually bought in 1996.

An important distinction between Miss America and Miss USA: The Miss USA pageant does not include a talent competition, which seems very democratic as it affords lots of people who have no discernible talent whatsoever the opportunity to be on TV. Wait--is this Fox News or Miss USA...?

In modeling itself (pun intended, of course--I will do anything to have good, clean pun, although dirty puns are even better) after the Miss USA pageant, the Miss Weirlandia contest has further reduced the competition to just two categories: The Swimwear event, seen on Friday's blog, and today's all-important Interview event.

And now, Johnny, our pageant judge, looking truly resplendent in something ... feathered, and sporting a blindingly sparkly new, shall ask each of our seven finalists to answer this question provided to him by a brain trust of all the previous Miss USA winners that is headed by the most spectacularly inarticulate pageant also-rans ever, Miss California USA 2009 Carrie Prejean and Miss South Carolina Teen USA 2007 Caitlin Upton:

Johnny: So since we live in a land where in some states you can choose either same-sex or "opposite" marriage (?) and even though some people out there don’t have maps, everywhere, like, such as, and our education here in the US should help South Africa and the Iraq and the Asian countries, do you believe that adding a cup of flour to a cookie recipe when baking in a state with high altitude should affect one’s decision as to which of two trains traveling toward each other at different speeds will arrive first in a triangular area whose northernmost point is Devils Tower, Wyoming, a state like so many others in which you can only choose "opposite" marriage which really then is not a choice at all, and given the fact that a simple majority in the US Senate is 51 but somehow 60 votes are needed to actually accomplish anything except on any day of the week which has the word “day" in it, would this inspire you to become an activist for underprivileged pets or to simply stare vacantly into the camera and hope you looked good enough in your swimsuit on Friday to win this thing? Why or why not? [frowns, then looks up expectantly at the contestants]

Miss Creant: [smiles broadly and offers a knowing wink] Let me say that as the recipient of a sizeable bonus from the TARP money given to my employer, Goldman Sachs, I have every confidence that the private meeting I attended earlier today in which envelopes were exchanged shall ensure that I am crowned Miss Weirlandia no matter how I answer this, but I would like to add that growing up as an underprivileged pet myself, with only one diamond-studded collar to get me through a whole week of designer outfits, certainly leaves me uniquely equipped to suggest that being amoral really is everything that it's cracked up to be. Thank you.

Miss Adventure: [creaks as she turns to face the camera] I almost scaled Devils Tower once, but the rope snapped just as I neared the top, which is how I met Evan Lysacek. We were in the same hospital at the same time, receiving matching hip replacements-- [the rest of her answer is drowned out by restless and horrified muttering from the crowd]

Miss Take: [smiles uncertainly] I'm sorry. Could you repeat the question?

Miss Nomer: [briskly] I think "opposite marriage" is really not the correct term here unless we're talking about my parents, who could not have been more opposite in every way which didn't necessarily make for a really happy partnership. And if same-sex partners who are complete opposites want that same agony of daily irritation, who are we to deny that to them? Also, how is 51 out of 50 not a functioning "majority"? And I honestly have no idea what "underprivileged pets" means. And shouldn't "interview" really involve more than one question?

Miss Anthrope: [with lip curled] I hate people who write interview questions.

Miss Behavior: [caresses Johnny's cheek] Hey gurl hey! Honey, you know I think the answer to everything is more chocolate-covered strawberries. That, plus your smile, and you skating to "Imagine" just one more time--that would bring us world peace in a heartbeat, BB.

Miss Informed: [looks down at her notes with dismay] Um, I wasn't told there would be an interview portion in this competition...

All righty then. Now it's your turn. You can help Johnny judge the Miss Weirlandia pageant by voting for your favorite contestant! Click here to cast your vote! You may vote as often as you like until voting ends on Monday, May 17, at 12:15 a.m. Pacific time. Winner to be announced on the blog!

And please remember to watch Johnny on NBC tonight as he judges the Miss USA pageant live in Las Vegas, 7 p.m. EDT, 6 p.m. CDT!

Please keep voting for Johnny
as "Most Addictive Reality Star"
in the NewNowNext Awards! Vote here
(he's the last one listed in the fifth category--scroll down!)
or on Twitter by constantly tweeting #realityWEIR.
Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time
to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!
And vote here for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award!

copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved


Anonymous said...

*snickering madly* you KILL me! love it! *giggle* guess who i voted for?


p.s. why isn't there a chance to say screw it to all the contestants and vote for Johnny? he likes tiaras, you know! :-)

Mimi Dzyacky said...

Delicious morning repartee my dear! Johnny's on nat'l tv tonight!!!! What do you think he will wear?

aaaack said...

Nobody can wear a tiara as well as Johnny. Hope the eventual winner will ask Johnny to try it on.

Make chocolate strawberries, not war.

Maggie St. said...

Seeing as how I will most likely be going on job interviews myself soon, I simply loved Miss Anthrope's answer! So true, so true.

I've already placed my reservation with my daughter so I can have the only computer which is in a room with a TV set, so I can watch AND chat with fellow Weirlandians during the pagent. I too am hoping somehow, that Johnny ends up winning!

Jessica Lane said...

That had to have been one of the best pagent questions I've ever heard. And not only because I wasn't forced to hear it as an attending sylist/victim trapped backstage by circumstance and the lure of money!

Fabulousness X a glamzillion! Someone get me a dictionary!

Anonymous said...

"The Miss USA pageant does not include a talent competition, which seems very democratic as it affords lots of people who have no discernible talent whatsoever the opportunity to be on TV. Wait--is this Fox News or Miss USA...?"

Zing! :) Binky 1, Fox 0

Anonymous said...

Dear Binky,

Could you please add a write-in portion to the voting. I'd like to vote for Johnny. He's the perfect Miss USA. Besides, no one can rock a sparkly tiara and roses as well as Johnny can.

Thank you very much.

With respect and belly-laughs,
An avid fan :)

PS: *standing ovation* Brilliant...fabulous...fanTAStic blog post!

Anonymous said...

Regarding the Miss Weirlandia competition, it's a shame about Miss Alignment having problems with her balance and taking that nasty fall. And I'm told that Miss Fit simply could not squeeze into her gown. Pity. :)