Monday, April 12, 2010

See Johnny Write. Write, Johnny, Write. Tell All, All, All. Writing Is Fun!

So Johnny Weir tweeted recently that his long-awaited book
is on the horizon! Here's how we envision it:

(Alternate book titles still under consideration:
 IceGame: The True Story of Figure Skating's
Diva Bitch Whore from Hell
Unbound, Uncensored, and Unapologetic:
Johnny Weir Tells All
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Johnny Weir
But Were Really, Really Afraid to Ask
Johnny Weir: Man Enough to Be a Diva Bitch on Ice
Speechless: The Fabulous Untold Story of Johnny Weir)

With a prologue by agentress Tara Modlin titled, "Managing Johnny. Or Trying to, at Least. He's Really Not Very Manageable. And He Makes Fun of My Feet."

Chapters we'd really like to see:

  1. Growing Up in Amish Country: Who Says God Doesn't Have a Sense of Humor?

  2. Childhood Photos (awwwwww...)

  3. The Rivalry Begins: “Which I Don't Even Know What That Is”

  4. Medals, Medals, and More Medals!

  5. Why I'll Always Love Priscilla (awwwww, Part 2)

  6. The Anatomy of Johnny Weir (Nude Photos, Part 1)

  7. That Was Really Clever for Evan (one-sentence chapter)

  8. ZebraSwan Forever

  9. It's a Plushy! (Yes, It Really Is, Although There's Nothing Further That Can Be Offered by Way of Explanation...)

10. The Birth of Viacheslav Romanov

11. Bad Romance: The USFSA and Me

12. Enter Galina: She Who Must Be Obeyed. And Also Who Brings Me Pomegranate Juice.

13. Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged--And I'm the Judge of You Now, You Silly Skating Officials Who Should Probably Slink Quietly Away and NOT Read This Chapter and Hope to God Nobody Else Does Either

14. Medals, Medals Everywhere--Except for Where They Should Be (see preceding chapter)

15. The First Time I Ever Said, "Ohhhhhhh Daddy..."

16. Nude Photos (Part 2)

17. For the Love of God, LOOK IT UP, Evan!

18. Around the House With Johnny: The Proper Way to Slice Cheese, Pledge Everything, and Shave Your Chest (includes Paris' favorite cupcake recipe!)

19. Poker Face: Addressing the Sexual-Orientation Question (this page intentionally left blank)

20. “So, You Slept Mostly on Your Left Side…?”: Questions and Answers with Mother Superior St. Patti o’ Weir, Who Also Really Deserves Some Kind of Medal Engraved With the Words “He Came from Your Vagina”

21. A Brief Explanation of the New Judging System (separate

9,672-page companion volume to the book that includes a nude centerfold of Johnny which is the only reason why anyone would bother to buy it)

22. Smuckers Smack-Down: Guest-Written Chapter in Which Fans Discuss Why Johnny Shouldn't Skate for SOI Even If Those Smuckers Got Down on Their Knees and ... er ... Begged Him (includes Yet More Nude Photos, Part 3, with strawberry jam strategically placed)

23. Bonus! Travel Tips from Aunt Diane! How to Feel at Home Anywhere: Simply Laugh Helplessly While Demonstrating the "One Pigeon, One Duck" Walk. Also: How to Get Your Nephew to Stop Torturing You With His Naked Butt in Your Hotel Room (Diane is open to suggestions for this section because she's tried EVERYTHING and he won't KNOCK IT OFF...)

24. Bonus! “Everybody Gonna Die!”: Final Thoughts from Viacheslav Romanov

Special thanks to Johnny Weir Facebook fan Lizzy Pine
for the book-cover art! Fabulous, as always!
copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved


Heather said...

Love it!! HAHAH sounds good to me, i hope he gets a book out soon!!

Anonymous said...

You gave me a much needed laugh today. Oh, what do I say...I was rofling. My husband already looks very worried.

Thanks for posting that.

Laura Formenti said...

Hi Misfit Mimes!
I enjoy a lot reading your blog. It's really good. You write with a clever sense of humor that makes people who read it laugh even if they are alone (this has happened to me several times).
It's a long time I wanted to post a comment here to thank you for your entertaining way of writing and, I guess, your amazing way of living.

I follow Johnny Weir in facebook, and I read everything you post in there. This makes your posts even funnier!! because when you're reading you know what you are talking about, why you use one sentence,....

Ah! Very lucky you and your children!! You met Johnny!!
I live far away, in Europe, so I think I never won't be able. But youtube is fanTAStic.

Big hug

auntyamyj said...

Wow, now if he would just follow your advice, we'd have the best book ever! LOVE IT!

Ila said...

As hysterical and clever as ever!! Maybe Johnny should hire you on as his ghostwriter....

Mimsie said...

Spot on and HILARIOUS!!! Love it!

Allison Shea said...

I will not be able to make it past Chapter 6...only to jump to Chapter 16.

Maggie St. said...

#12 Galina is now my desktop wallpaper. That is, until my daughter changes it again to something Plushy-themed.

Love these chapter titles. Perhaps you could work on an unofficial mini-guide to "The Wonderful World of Weir", which can be packaged along with the Johnny Weir Action Figure!

I totally snorted out loud (SO attractive in a woman of any age!!) at #7. Absolutely love Chapter 19 - exactly as it should be.

pugenvy said...

Absolutely hysterical!

Caley said... you read ONTD? Love the list!

Anonymous said...

Binky, just found your blog yesterday. IT MADE MY DAY! This entry is completely hysterical -- love all the links to graphics and such. My proposed title for the book is, "Our House had Electricity: Growing up Weir in Pennsylvania Amish Country."

Misfit Mimes said...

Hey thebron, thank you so very much! And I love your proposed book title!