Friday, April 16, 2010

The Horror! The Monstrosity! The Sheer Overpowering Cluelessness! Yes, It's the Attack of the Anti-Fur People!


I have just been handed this Brief Emergency Bulletin from Weirlandia Command HQ:

Attention, all residents of Weirlandia! This is a test of the Emergency Glitzcast System. Please adjust your tiaras for better reception and listen closely to this important message:

As you know, from time to time our love-infested land of sparkle, stiletto heels, and seriously ambiguous sexual fantasies falls under attack. Try as we might, we cannot always keep our borders secure from invaders hell-bent on spreading their toxic and inappropriate messages. I am speaking, of course, of the recent

ATTACK OF THE ANTI-FUR PEOPLE

(and by "people" I mean "raving lunatic haters who really, really piss me off and should maybe find better things to do with their time than blast a fan page with annoying messages that only serve to further marginalize their cause and make me, animal lover that I am, seriously consider getting my grandmother's mink coat out of storage and wearing it everywhere I go--even though it's 80 degrees here--simply on principle because I loved her AND her coat and Johnny would love it too and HELLO? Why don't you people get your own Facebook page where you can post all the freaked-out-about-fur newsflashes you want while people die and children starve but at least no one is wearing any fur which, by the way, is simply a personal choice that we are all free to make, and hey! maybe you ought to go spend a winter in Siberia stark naked, again, just on principle and because it would amuse the hell out of me ...").

Ahem. Pardon me. Let me get a sip of water.

Anyway: In times like these, we must all band together to fight back against our common enemy whilst remaining firmly in the embrace of a certain outrageously beautiful figure skater of unparalleled artistry... [minds wander to our happy place and completely forget our safety words because safety is boring...] er, I mean, in the embrace of the spirit of love, tolerance, and acceptance--leavened with a healthy dose of snark, as needed--that is embodied by our beloved Weirzard, the Great and Powerful JohnnyG (yes, of course the "G" stands for "Glitterati").

Fortunately, we have a long history of helping each other through such unfortunate and malicious incidents. Our initial response is well-articulated in the proud words of our Weirlandia Crier, Amy J. Sortor, in her Official Proclamation:

"Hail ye, hail ye, all of Weirlandia.
Bring forth the glitter, the Pledge, the Oreck vacuums,
the sparkles and the Holy Tassel.
Raise up your arms and celebrate!
JUST DANCE, my fellow Weirites,
JUST DANCE!"

However, sometimes we continue to get pelted with bullsh*t even while we're dancing (or does that only happen to me?). And rather than allow Weirlandia to disintegrate into an exchange with these wingnuts of name-calling and personal insults, let us arm ourselves as only we Weirites can.

Rear Admiral Jennifer Apodaca, after consulting in her imagination with Anal Ambassador John Waters just because that's really funny and she'd already had a little wine, has authorized me to offer these suggestions to help us unite and fend off those who would threaten the peace, tranquility, and gentle insanity of Weirlandia:

1. First line of defense: DO NOT ENGAGE. Repeat: DO NOT ENGAGE. Let's just all simply refuse to respond to inappropriate posts. You may wish to report such posts to the admin (just click "Report" under the post), and you also may wish to comment that you've done so, but otherwise: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS. No matter how amusing it is to imagine feeding them to the point that they look like the title character in "Fat Princess."

2. Second line of defense: Please respond immediately to abject stupidity with Glitterbombs, as needed. The Urban Dictionary defines these as "poetic terrorism, meant to spread wonder and happiness. Similar to random acts of kindness." Glitterbombs may include but are not limited to the prompt posting of hundreds of staggeringly gorgeous pictures of Johnny (are there any other kind?).

3. Third line of defense: If more forces are needed to combat the growing clustersmuck of despair that sometimes envelopes Weirlandia when ugliness temporarily disrupts our community, Admiral Apodaca recommends that we use our Maximum Weapon of Mass Distraction: The Glamourbomb. This is defined as "acts of random beauty, magic, or wonder whose purpose is to raise ambient levels of glamour in the area." Think of it as a clusterbomb made up of thousands of glitterbombs. Or, just think of Johnny--the Ultimate Grand Supreme Glamourbomb (oh, come on, aren't you all watching Little Miss Perfect or Toddlers and Tiaras along with me? And may I just say: Observing those parents means knowing exactly what their kids are going to say in therapy years from now...).

Which brings us to the most important suggestion of all: Yes, please think of Johnny. He's the reason we're all here in Weirlandia; he's the one who inspires us to be open, accepting, and joyful in our diversity; and it does a disservice to him to allow anti-fur terrorists or any other haters to invade his page and achieve
their aim of successfully getting all the rest of us really upset--sometimes even with each other. We don't have to buy into their crap.

And thus may we all consider following these suggestions (or not, because that's the beauty of Weirlandia--it's pretty much a do-
your-own-thing place within the boundaries of love and respect) so that we might actively live by the Wonderful Words of the Weirzard: "Out of ugly, make something beautiful."

Thank you for your attention. This concludes our test of the Emergency Glitzcast System. I repeat: This was only a test. Were this an actual emergency, you would have been advised where to find Johnny and how to get him to snuffle you immediately so that you would feel less panicky and also would once again happily forget your safety word...


To make your Friday extra sparkly special,
it's Double-Dip Day on the blog!
Coming later today : A beautiful Glamourbomb
created in collaboration with
Johnny Weir Facebook fan Nicole Davis!

copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved

9 comments:

laura linger said...

Fun Fact: John Waters is even more fascinated with the Manson Family than I am, and that is saying one helluva lot, believe me.

PumaJ said...

Lynn you are just such a gem! Thank, thank you for wise and inspirational words ✌

auntyamyj said...

Long Live Weirlandia!

Anonymous said...

Binky,

Absolutely, we should not let these people goad us into being upset with each other. I abstain from commenting most of the time because some fan comments get misinterpreted by other fans, and some fans are hell bent on 'protecting' Johnny when he's been doing a fine job all on his own. It's like an overprotective mother is hovering over the comments.

But I do observe very carefully, and yes, the overall nature of JGW's fans are wonderful accepting people. That is why we are on that fanpage. The people that make cruel remarks about
Johnny are absolutely not fans and never were. Because a real fan knows that JGW would never resort to infantile name calling and insults.

Thank You for this great blog!

TK

Maggie St. said...

Before Johnny (which I was going to abbreviate to "BJ", but that just sounds a little bit rude and also makes me giggle like Beavis & Butthead), I was totally convinced that I was anti-fur wearing. So said I, as I would zip up my black leather jacket and put on my black leather driving gloves. Which, by the way, are usually covered somewhat in fur, as the cat also likes to sleep on them.

But AJ (After Johnny), I began to seriously rethink my stance. I was never one of those 'crazed manaical anti-fur people', but while I was against it, I also thought that EVERYONE should also be against it. Eventually, I came to realize that just because it's not MY choice, I don't have the right to condemn others for wearing fur.

Still, the only fur I will wear is whatever the cat sheds on me, while Johnny and others can go ahead and wear the furs of their choosing. In the future, I do hope that any furs he wears or uses in any fashion design is humanely gotten, but that is another arguement for another day.


Oh, and Binky, darling. You know I love you to pieces but Glitterheads use DYSON vacuum cleaners. Oreck is so Evan! Get with the program, Girlfriend. ;)

dudetteinbrownsweater said...

I am a vegan but I don't think it is my place to convert everyone to my lifestyle. That's just as bad as religious fanatics who press their beliefs right in your face without respect for your own space. All my metaphysical and physical lifestyle views I usually keep to myself, unless I'm discussing them with a close friend. Even then I'm not pushing my beliefs into them.

I respect Johnny because he knows of the issues at hand when it comes to fur. I respect anyone who takes the time to look into the other side of the issue -- omnivores who, when they consume meat, are aware of the farming processes used to make their food -- Christians who read Nietzsche and understand existentialism -- reporters who go out of the way to look past what everyone else in the media world is saying about a certain subject -- and whatever they decide to do at the end is what they decide to do in the end. It's, as Johnny says, his personal choice.

I just personally can't believe how these people, who are out to champion animal rights out of "love" and "respect," can act so disrespectful and downright hateful to others, even going as far as vandalism and harassment. They are so hypocritical.

germansoulmate said...

Thanks for writing this great blog.

I refrained from commenting on any cruel remarks for the same reason you have written. I don´t want to feed them.

Thanks again!

Mona said...

I had a feeling this would be the subject! March on Misfit - you said it all!!

Anonymous said...

Well said, Binky, and really, the absolute love we're showing for Johnny should really be enough to drive them away. If we start discussing his eyelashes or how pretty he looked last night in obsessive detail and endless comments, hopefully they'll either run away screaming or give in and succumb to Johnny-love.

"Were this an actual emergency, you would have been advised where to find Johnny and how to get him to snuffle you immediately so that you would feel less panicky"

Hmm . . . can I get one of these installed in my building, right next to the fire extinguisher?

- Robin