Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Daily Planner

Oh, come on, you don't really want to go
to all those silly meetings today, do you?
Wouldn't you rather spend the day avec moi? :)

Today is WEDNESDAY, April 21.

Today's planned schedule:

8:30 a.m. Marketing meeting.

10:30 a.m. Review expenditures with Accounting.

12:15 p.m. Roundtable lunch meeting with supervisor and coworkers to review new procedures.

3:00 p.m. Department-wide training session.

5:45 p.m. Pick up dry cleaning, and something healthy for dinner.

Today's actual schedule:

6:00 a.m. Shut off alarm. Foggily contemplate sleeping in, then snap wide awake as you realize that if you GET UP NOW, you can steal 10 minutes before showering to see what was posted on Johnny Weir's Facebook page in the three hours since you last checked. Rub eyes furiously to try to get them to FOCUS.

6:02 a.m. Offer silent prayer of thanks that the kids are spending the week with their aunt, and husband is in San Diego until Saturday for that class thingy or whatever it was he said before he left.

6:05 a.m. Turn on computer; head to bathroom while Windows loads. Stupid slow computer.

6:10 a.m. Watch computer load Facebook and Twitter while brushing teeth over keyboard.

6:11 a.m. Damn. Wipe off keyboard.

6:15 a.m. Check Google for any news on when the Johnny Weir action figure will be released to save the world economy. Sigh. Nothing yet.

6:16 a.m. But oooooooo! Here's new picspam from ontd!

6:17 a.m. Begin reviewing picspam. Comment as needed.

7:15 a.m. Run Twitter searches for "@JohnnyGWeir," "johnnyweir," and "#realityweir" to see if he tweeted, who tweeted back to him, who tweeted about him, and if we're doing enough to get Johnny a million NewNowNext votes.

7:20 a.m. ReTweet as needed.

8:20 a.m. Check to see if Boz ever tweeted. Nope. Tweet a gentle reminder to him AGAIN. @BozWeir88: Hello. Boz. Thanks to your brother, you now have 684 lemming-like followers. PLEASE TWEET SOMETHING. We're dying here.

8:21 a.m. Realize that you're going to have to call in sick again* if you're going to keep up with what's really important.

8:22 a.m. Call in sick. Add a juicy, gurgling cough this time in between dry-heave noises. Be convincing.

8:25 a.m. Check Facebook page for new posts. Yay! There's a bunch!

8:26 a.m. Read new Facebook posts. Begin commenting as needed.

8:30 a.m. In between comments, respond to each new chat window from other Facebook fans as it opens.

10:05 a.m. Become aware that a lot of your posts read like this: "yeh Alilson i htink hE looooks so great in taht one tooo almost liek it batter then teh frist one."

10:10 a.m. Go downstairs and make coffee.

10:20 a.m. Return to your desk with coffee. Check Johnny's official site to see if he posted his new blog entry yet. Nope. Immediately post your findings to Facebook.

10:25 a.m. Refresh Johnny's Facebook page and check all notifications. Continue reading and commenting as needed.

1:30 p.m. Notice that even the dog has left the room because he thinks your aroma has gone from interesting to ... odd. The rather more discriminating cats disappeared days ago.

1:32 p.m. Realize that you have not, in fact, showered since before husband left for San Diego, whatever day that was. Or did he say Sandusky?

2:35 p.m. Tear yourself away to take a shower. Bribe yourself to complete this boring task by taking your son's boombox into the bathroom and playing Lady Gaga at full blast.

2:45 p.m. Bleed profusely. Note to self: Do not listen to "Just Dance" while shaving your legs.

3:15 p.m. Consider the relative merits of simply throwing your sweats back on and letting your hair air-dry. Pros: Big timesaver; gets you back in front of your computer pronto. Cons: But WWJGWD?

3:16 p.m. Blow dry and style hair.

3:36 p.m. Apply tinted moisturizer, mascara, blush, and lip gloss.

3:51 p.m. Get dressed in black leggings, black T-shirt, black jacket, sparkly headband, and full-on jewelry. Add shiny, pointy black boots. Feel fierce.

4:00 p.m. Get more coffee from downstairs and return to your desk.

4:05 p.m. Repeat Twitter searches. ReTweet all as needed.

4:50 p.m. Boz? Boz? Sigh.

4:55 p.m. Refresh Facebook page. Join in on the discussion of Glee! Another fabulous discovery thanks to Johnny Weir and the fact that his fans will do anything he says. Just ask Boz.

6:00 p.m. Hear strange rumbling noises and feel faint. Realize that the only thing you've ingested all day is the equivalent of twelve cups of coffee, though it only took two trips downstairs because you're using husband's giant economy-size travel mug (where is he, by the way? Shouldn't he be home for dinner? Oh wait...).

6:02 p.m. Smile because you're following Johnny's meal plan, the one without the meals.

6:03 p.m. Decide that as much as you truly admire Johnny's grit and dedication, you don't have what it takes to follow that plan right now. Head downstairs and load a small plate with whatever you can find that you can eat with one hand and doesn't require microwaving. 

6:10 p.m. Return to your desk with iced coffee, half a PopTart, and one Pizza Roll that you decided you could eat after it thaws so that you wouldn't have to waste any more time in the kitchen. Where there is no Internet.

6:11 p.m. Settle in front of the computer. ReTweet. Refresh. Rinse. Repeat.

2:00 a.m. Wake up to find that you've been facedesk again for the last hour. But oh look! Laura's still up! And ontd has more picspam! And Rachel found new sketches on Heterosexual Orange Bro! And Lizzy posted new art!

2:55 a.m. Feel all giggly and glitzy and aglow because you really, really love these people that you met through discovering Johnny Weir together. These are your people--crazy, creative, compassionate, and truly caring nut cases that you now couldn't imagine your life without, joining you on this journey you never expected to take.

2:57 a.m. Realize that when you close your eyes, tap your glittery heels together, and whisper, "There's no place like home," you kinda mean Weirlandia.

3:00 a.m. Go to bed, with dog and cats gathered around you now that they've finished sniffing you and found you to be satisfactory. Have sparkly special dreams of Weirlandia. And also of your kids and your husband, who you will be very happy to see when he comes back from ... Santo Domingo?

Please remember to keep voting for Johnny
as "Most Addictive Reality Star" in the NewNowNext Awards!
Vote here or on Twitter by constantly tweeting #realityWEIR.
Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time
to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!

*Disclaimer: Of course I'm not really advocating calling in sick
and shirking actual responsibilities just because you have a desperate case
of Johnny Weir Fanitis. In the words of His Glitteriness:
Don't you know that? Are you stupid?
Special thanks to Johnny Weir Facebook fan Nicole Davis,
who provided the inspiration for this post. :)
copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved


PumaJ said...

ROFL <3 Oh, I can so relate. I've never called in sick though to stay home over Johnny, though.

Anonymous said...

Awwwwww that was awesome! How do you do that? You are a genius! If you ever write a book, I'll be excited to read it as much as I'm excited to read Johnny's one ^^.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face whenever I read your blog! :)

auntyamyj said...

Hee Hee, so here is how bad it's gotten for me.... Yesterday as I was working on a client and doing some really intense and painful deep tissue release work on her shoulders, I told her to take a deep breath and go to her "happy place". Which when she said she doesn't really have a "happy place" anymore, I told her that the happiest place on earth was WEIRLANDIA! Which of course she'd never heard of. So, with my fingers tucked firmly under the front side of her scapula and buried deep into her armpit, I described WEIRLANDIA to her, with all of its sparkles, glitter and magical tassels. Not to mention the lovely people of WEIRLANDIA! She sort of snorted a little, which kind of sounded like a bit of a laugh, maybe even a giggle. Which hopefully distracted her enough from the fact that I was unsticking subscapularis from her rib cage! Or maybe not. Maybe she just thought her massage therapist has just really finally gone 'round the bend! Oh, well if thats the case, it sure has been fun turning the corner!

Anonymous said...

Brava, Misfit.

Anonymous said...

Wow you have described my life since 4/1! Except I am at work typing this right's a slow day. And I'm wearing a pink/glittery surgical cap, because even if I have to wear ugly scrubs, JWe would want me to be fierce in them :)Oh, and I love you too Binky! xoxo Suzanne

Nico said...

Even when I'm at work, it's the daydreaming and the irrepressible urge to insert JW photos into my presentations. Need to increase sales? Stare at this photo of Johnny in warm-up gear. Need to motivate the workforce? Johnny in furs, please. Need to crush the competition? Launch a new product? Rewrite the marketing strategy? I've got the solution!! Johnny in meggings! Johnny biting his medal! Johnny's silhouette on ice!!!

He's the one-man panacea for all economic woe. And, yes, I keep his photo/quotes next to the pictures of my kids and hubby on the wall of my office. He's my co-pilot! (c; WWJGWD?

p.s. Much love to you, Binky, for the endless generosity of your writing.

Maggie St. said...

Binky, have you been peeking through my windows again? ;)

* * * * * * * * * *

Now I feel ashamed. I would take that extra minute to cook that Pizza Roll. I must not be the dedicated fan that you are. Will strive to be better.

Also crossing fingers, titties, and toes that Brian finally POSTS something, even if only OMGWTFBBQ! who the hell are all these weir'do's following me?

(Question: Does it make me a dedicated fan that I sorta sometimes hope that I don't get a new job right away when this current one lets me go because then I'll have more Johnny time? Or does this mean that I am simply looney tunes?)


* * * * * * * * * *
Regarding this post's picture: It's lucky that Evan isn't standing in front of that wall, otherwise, he'd be lost in all that orange. *snort*
Fine. But I'm taking that Heterosexual Orange Bro's "Johnny/Stephane/Unicorn" pic with me! :p~~~

Anonymous said...

Misfit I loved this entry!
The only problem with it though, I must admit, was the caption underneath the first picture. The "avec moi" made me think of "Voulez vous coucher avec moi" and I thought, 'Why yes Johnny, I certainly would!' So from then on my entire thought process was a bit derailed, but other than that, well done!
hehe :P

Maggie St. said...

Oh, eff me! Part of my comment didn't post. Stoopid Blogger, thinking my html marks were actual html commands. Well, it certainly isn't User error. ;)

Anonymous said...

Do you know what I think is the most amazing thing about Johnny? His fans. I've never seen gathered a more enthusiastic, enlightened and generious group of people. Johnny is wonderful, but it's his fans that make him incredible.

I've tried to explain Weirlandia to those outside the sacred circle. I dispair for them. One day they may see the light... Just like Johnny will one day see that flashlight outside his bedroom window and set the dogs on me. Again.

--Jessica Lane

Anonymous said...

*picks herself up again and again*

That was such a great post. And it made me really really laugh out loud.
We´re having such bad cases of Weiritis, and it is so much fun.

Thanks for making the last minutes of my day happy ones.

Anonymous said...

I had to laugh, because it's after 7 PM, I'm still wearing my nightshirt, and I still haven't made it to the shower--or eaten all day, not purposely to diet, just because eating wasn't a priority today. Yet before I shower or eat, I checked the Johnny Weir facebook fan--oh, excuse me--"like" page.
--Nancy K.

KellyMaurer said...

You rock! I love reading your blog. I'd write more, but I don't have much time and I have to get through all the posts in Weirlandia...

Allison Shea said...

Trying to make myself get in the shower this morning since I've been late for work every day since February. Came to the part of twitter and said, "uh, I forgot to check twitter!" No update since yesterday. Off to the shower now. No, for real. If I had facebook at work I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have a job any more.

Shelley Catina said...

WWJGW DO? funny!!!

Weir's got me wired... (AKA still up at 5 am!) said...

Binky this is really hysterical! Thanks for the great post. But please DO feed yourself better, we need you to stay healthy!

And NICO! You nailed it! I totally agree your choice of photos would solve all of the business "challenges" you mention. In fact staring at JW photos is the ultimate cure-all: any problem that isn't immediately solved is at least temporarily forgotten...