Thursday, April 8, 2010

Because It Must Be Addressed: Manifesto on the Chelsea Handler Interview

Chelsea Handler interviews Johnny Weir
on the Chelsea Lately show, March 30, 2010

Well, I'm a little late to this party, because I forgot to TiVo Johnny Weir's interview with Chelsea Handler on March 30th. I kept trying to, really, but I have such a mental block where Churl-sea is concerned that I just never got around to actually setting it up on my trusty little TiVo's "to-do" list.

I can't stand that woman. I don't find her funny at all. I find her mean-spirited and willing to say anything and to cross any boundary for the sole purpose of thoroughly embarrassing her guests. And I don't get the point of inviting people into your presence only to make them horribly uncomfortable. Maybe she missed that part in kindergarten where we learned to be kind to one another. Maybe she's a sociopath. Maybe she's not even human, but one of those crazy robots the Japanese are always coming up with that no one else needs or wants but which they find irresistible, although I'd really like them to FOCUS, people, on that Johnny Weir action figure that would solve the international economic slump once and for all and also bring about world peace. Because we'd all be so busy with our foot massagers and our snuffles that no one would have time to be cranky or blow stuff up.

But then the interview happened, and "Wink-gate" happened, and practically every Johnny fan was talking about it, although I was happily on my way to Bensenville armed with overalls and glitter but without a single charming word in my head to actually SAY to Johnny, because apparently all my words were on spring break, sunning themselves and getting sloshed and giggling about Rockne Brubaker's abs and forgetting to at least check in via cell phone, for God's sake. So I read about the interview when I got back, and finally heaved a giant sigh, swallowed a bottle of Tagamet as a precaution, and forced myself to watch our gorgeous Johnny and that woman, Fail-sea, on YouTube.

A lot of the frenzied discussion centered on these three questions:

(1) Did Cheapshot-sea out Johnny as gay?

(2) Did Johnny out Evan Lysacek as gay?

(3) Did Johnny really wink? Or did he just suddenly develop a facial tic, or forget to take the medication to control his mild but chronic Tourette's (which might actually explain a lot of the comments that he got in trouble for when he was younger)* and which I could certainly understand to be a result of having to spend even 30 seconds in the presence of Charmless-sea.

And after watching the interview, in which I found him to be his usual adorable self--love the hair! and the shirt!--although he seemed a bit nervous, I arrived at these important conclusions (despite my years among those stoic Lutherans, who avoid drawing any conclusions because it's not our place to judge or even to use a whit of common sense to discern that OBVIOUSLY the pastor is having an affair with the music director because HELLO? The signs are everywhere, including the one taped to his office door that reads, "Shirley: Meet me in the choir loft. Wife is out of town. Bring the lotion." But only God knows what was in his heart--although I could probably hazard a fairly accurate guess, were I not Lutheran) regarding those questions:

(1) Who gives a sh*t?

(2) Who gives a sh*t?

(3) Yes, he winked. Which is just one more impossibly appealing thing he does that I can add to my ever-growing list of "Impossibly Appealing Things That Johnny Weir Does" that I'm e-mailing to the Japanese after I finish writing this post. To help them with the action figure, of course. What did he mean by winking? Again, who gives a sh*t? It was just funny, and open to interpretation, and I'm OK with a little uncertainty in life. Because pretty much this whole "life" deal is uncertain, and people interpret things in various ways, and then drive each other crazy discussing those interpretations, and that's kind of what makes it all interesting. And I really, really hate to be bored.

But here's the take-away (a corporate-speak term that I also really hate but which then reminds me that I'm hungry, and if I were in England I could go get what they call "take-away," but I'm not, because I'm stuck with no money--the reason I'm not in England--and thus leftover Easter eggs): One of my most cherished hopes is that I will live long enough to wake up one day in a world where the question of sexual orientation is either routinely, daily asked of EVERYONE. Or of NO ONE.

Favorite quote from the interview--
Chelsea (still desperately trying to get the "gay?" scoop):
"What do you like about Russia?
Russian men? Or Russian women?"
Johnny (deftly sidestepping): "Russian culture."

Either we begin every conversation with every person by saying, "Hi, I'm Binky, and I'm a heterosexual woman, although I have been known to rarely and secretly crush on women. You?" "Hi Binky, I'm Johnny, and I am a highly passionate and charismatic man whose sexual appeal transcends gender boundaries. Oh, hey, Pastor! How are you?" "Fine, Johnny. I'm a sexually repressed person who has yet to come to terms with my desires, so I've been flailing my entire life by having extramarital affairs with both men and women. I'm so inspired by Evan Lysacek's complete disconnect from his authentic self and his chameleon-like ability to therefore be whoever he needs to be to get what he wants. How do you two think the Mets will do this year?"

Or we don't ever ask anybody the sexual-orientation question. Because it's nobody's damn business. I don't care if Johnny is straight or gay or bi or completely asexual ("Ohhhhhh daddy" leads me to think he's NOT that last one ... ). It is so totally none of my business. It is none of my business what ANYONE'S sexual orientation is--although if anyone wants to freely offer up that information, that's fine with me. But why we think we need to know these things--that we have a right to know these things--that it's OK to shrilly demand to know these things or try to trap people into revealing them--is beyond me.

All I wish for Johnny is that he falls in love someday with someone who loves him back, who treats him with dignity and respect, who would sacrifice life itself for him without a moment's hesitation, who wants to take a lifetime journey with him and have children with him, because that seems to be a cherished hope of his. It's the same thing I want for my own children. I want them to love, and to be loved, really well. And however they choose to express that love sexually with the partners of their choosing is none of my business. I have spent their lives teaching them the moral values I live by, which boil down to "love God, and love others as you want to be loved." Any sexual mechanics involved in that second part are really a very private matter, in my opinion.

But by "private" I don't mean "should be closeted." I mean as part of a loving relationship so natural, in a society so free and accepting, that such things simply go without comment. It's assumed that everyone has a sexual orientation. And that's all we need to know.

So, Chuff-sea, it's a shame that you wasted so much of the interview playing footsie with the "gay?-gay?-gay?" question--although at least you didn't treat Johnny as horrendously as I feared you might.

And Johnny, I applaud you for remaining steadfastly ambiguous, in my opinion, on this very private subject. Because no matter how big a celebrity you become, you are a person, and we love you for who you are. Not for the labels we think we can or can't apply to you.

Although the Japanese want to know if you would like a Ken or a Barbie as a partner for your action figure. I told them to go with an Elton John and a Lady Gaga. And then we can all just use our imaginations. Quite freely. And very, very privately.

*No, he doesn't really have Tourette's, as far as I know.
I just made that up.
Let's not start any Internet rumors that begin with,
"OMG! Did you know that Johnny Weir has Tourette's!" and end,
like the old game "Gossip," with
"OMG! Did you know that Johnny Weir did all the Rockettes?"

copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved


Anonymous said...

Bravo, Thank You !!!

Maggie St. said...

Hello, I'm Maggie and I'm a (sometimes) practicing heterosexual. I just threw that out there since EVERYONE and their Yeti seems to want to know!

and I think the Mets will take the pennant this year.

PumaJ said...

Ah, yes! You have once again so very eloquently "hit the nail on the head" regarding the stupid debates swirling about on our wonderful boytchik, Johnny.

Anonymous said...

Ditto... You said it perfectly girl!! TK

Anonymous said...

The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!

Oh,, yeah I agree with everything in your post. Who gives a sh*t, indeed. And the wink, adorable!

Anonymous said...

Once again...NAILED IT!

Anonymous said...

If I had to quote all the things I thought were hilarious and made me laugh or all the things I definitely agree with you, I would have to quote the whole blog entry. I save the time and just say I linked to your blog in my LJ.

Meanwhile you get a standing ovation from me for having voiced important points and also for your way with words which is always a sucker (not Smucker) for me.

Kudos to you!

Mimsie said...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Again sooooo well stated! I''m really starting to think that you have some super psychic ability to get inside our heads, take the thoughts and feelings we all share, and make absolute sense out of it all. The time really has come to "get over it" with all the is he-isn't he...who really cares! It is the wonderful, witty, naughty, artistic, passionate, creative, wistful world that Johnny Weir has brought us into and darn it, we like it here. While we carry on with our lives, fixing toilets, picking up after stinky 16 year old boys, and keeping the wet dog off the bed, we all wish only the best for Johnny Weir! Health, Happiness and Lots & Lots of Love from EVERYONE!!! Thanks again! YOU ROCK!!!!

Anonymous said...

Perfect, thank you. Love Johnny.

Anonymous said...

Awesome post, Binky! Glad to know I'm not the only one who was wanting to smack Chelsea upside the head during that interview. Seriously! GRRRRR! And Johnny was classy as usual.

Like you, I want my (future) children to just love and be loved by someone who treats them well. Man, woman, or alien, I don't care.

You take on introductions had me totally cracking up! Should I add mine? "Hi, I'm Robin, and I'm a heterosexual girl who's had the rare crush on a girl, on a girl that I thought was a boy (I really didn't know!), and on way too many boys who prefer boys." I think it's really hard to define sexuality, especially as sometimes it's all about the person and not what gender he/she happens to be.

More, please, dear Binky!!


Misfit Mimes said...

Thank you all for taking the time to comment--me and my Yeti really appreciate it! Mimsie, your life sounds a lot like mine, what with the messy kids and the wet dogs...

Allison Shea said...

Two things: One, I finally figured out how to post a comment here. YAY! And two...(this needs to be said so "brace yourselves") even if Johnny likes this show and likes her, whoever is booking Johnny for these appearances needs to be more selective. I have no problem with anything Johnny did because Evan has been "trashing Johnny" with his own 'wink wink' sort of style for years! But if Johnny, Patti, Aunt Diane or anybody close to Johnny is reading my insignificant little comment at this moment, please let Johnny know that HE CAN TURN THINGS DOWN!

Anonymous said...

I once got an "award" in school.The reason for getting it ,as my teacher said, had been for not being able to say NO. I was proud then.´s been more than twenty years ago. From today´s view, I would not be that proud anymore because I think being able to say NO is very important.

So, I second Allison´s comment. I think
that Johnny needs to say NO a bit more. And that
he needs people who also turn down things for him...every now and then.

Anonymous said...

LutunnNoz said...
If I were to spot Chelsea Handler approaching, I would immediately pull out something silver for self-protection, or at least make a hasty sign of the cross.

Misfit Mimes said...

lol @LutunnNoz!! Totally feel the same way.