Friday, March 5, 2010

Fallen: Under the Sparkly Spell of Johnny Weir (Part 1)

Disclaimer: Please know that I have experience with and the deepest respect for all 12-step programs and for the millions of people who have benefited from them. Please enjoy the following only in the spirit of fun and humor in which it is intended.

"Hi. I'm Binky, and I'm a hopeless Johnny Weir addict."

"Hi, Binky!"

Hours earlier, I was at home in my bedroom, getting ready for a quick trip to the grocery store. My 16-year-old daughter strode briskly in to check my progress--and stopped short when she saw me.

She stared at the inch-wide blue stripe I had carefully applied across my left cheek, and the sweep of silver glitter just beneath my left eyebrow. Then her gaze shifted to the multiple black outlines I was now drawing around my right eye.

"What?" I paused in mid-stroke. "What's wrong, dear?"

"Mom," she said ever so gently, kneeling down and taking my black-gloved hand in her own, "you need help. Let me find someone to help you."

She kindly patted my pink-tasseled shoulder as she left in search of a phone book.

And so it was that now I found myself hesitating outside a deeply scarred oaken door in a musty church basement that smelled of old coffee and stale cigarettes. Inside was an anonymous 12-step meeting for people like me:

People who found themselves awake at their computers at three in the morning, desperately trolling for Johnny Weir videos, photos, and interviews, old or new, it doesn't matter, to post and tweet and e-mail.

People who had barely heard of Lady Gaga two months ago, but who now had downloads of all her songs from iTunes and had made CDs to carry in every car they owned but couldn't listen to "Poker Face" while driving because all they could see in their heads was Johnny.

Hey! I can quit any time I want to!

People who didn't know a triple salchow from the triple seafood delight at their local Chinese takeout, but could now tell you that the Olympic judges had clearly, deliberately skewed Johnny Weir's GOE scores on both his short and his long progams and by the way, did you SEE how he simply FLOWED out of his triple toe loop?

People who could quote nearly every line of dialogue from every episode of Be Good Johnny Weir and now found themselves laughing hysterically at the poster at Walgreens that still advertised flu shots.

People--and oh! the bravery of Kelly Ripa for outing herself on her own show as one of us!--who gave up and simply set their TiVo to "Johnny Weir" so that any time his name appeared in a show title or description, the program would automatically record for hours of endless replay later.

People who had never followed men's figure skating before--a niche sport if there ever was one, and one that is further handicapped by its own stuffy, inbred, and humorless officialdom--but could now tell you the names of all the programs Johnny skated in each of his twelve competitive seasons and where to find videos of them on YouTube.

I sighed, squared my shoulders--pink tassel still firmly attached under my worn coat (hey! I can quit any time I want to!)--and pushed open the door.


"Binky, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," I whispered to myself.

(To be continued.)

Special thanks to Amy Sortor for the phrase "sparkly spell of Johnny Weir,"
and to Claire Hubbard for remembering that's who coined it :).
Thanks also to for all the fabulous photos.
copyright 2010 Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved


Maggie St. said...

I can quit any time I want to....I JUST DON'T WANT TO!!

auntyamyj said...

Ahhhhh gal, I'm dieing just a little inside because I think I may need to join you at that meeting. "Hello, I'm Aunty Amy and I can't get Johnny Weir out of my mind". Oh, lord. I have friends threatening to come over and have an intervention if they find a "Shrine to Mr. Weir" in my house... So I guess I'll have to hide the johnny dolls and pillows before they arrive ;)! Great post, and I just have to say I love your style!

Izabela said...

OMG - this is hilarious!!! And well- kind of rings a bell...I love it. Keep on writing Binky/Misfit Mimes. It is very entertaining! Thank you for making me smile!

Lillian said...

Hillarious (as usual) and so true. I thought it was just me! haha

Misfit Mimes said...

TY all for the love and taking the time to comment--I really appreciate it!

Luna said...

This was hilarious! As others have mentioned, this is very true for all of us. I was so happy when Kelly Ripa outed herself as one of us, but I was also very envious. She was closer to him than I'll ever be. *sigh*

Daleth said...

I'm so glad to find I'm not alone. :-)

WheresMyKoppy said...

LOL! MM, I didn't realize I had missed so many of your early Blogs on our favorite subject! I love it! Nope, we're not in Kansas anymore!