Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Dancing With the Stars: The Portal to Oblivion

Leave it to the graceless Larry King to break the news to Johnny Weir on live TV that Evan Lysacek had been selected to appear on the upcoming 10th season of Dancing With the Stars (DWTS), which begins March 22. Johnny had previously and somewhat shyly expressed an interest in appearing on the show.

And leave it to Johnny to respond, as always, with class and dignity.

So since Johnny covered that, I am free to respond with snark. (Because otherwise the universe would be precariously unbalanced. It's a yin-yang sort of thing. Go with it. Really, I'm just doing my part to save the world.)

Let me say that I'm very happy for Evan. Because DWTS is cheesy. And DWTS and Evan Lysacek are the perfect marriage of, let's say, low-moisture part-skim imitation mozzarella and processed orange-colored American cheese food product. Oompa Loompas around the world could be heard cheering when Evan's name was announced. (I know. That one was a gimme. Oh, Evan. It is my life's work to diss you, and you just keep making my job easier and easier ... ).

DWTS is way, way, WAY below Johnny's league.
If Johnny's league exploded, no one on the DWTS set
would even hear the sound for a light-year or two.

Plus, Johnny already has a show: Be Good Johnny Weir--brilliantly witty, often poignant, sometimes "triple X" (says Johnny), and always completely captivating. Fans race to view episodes as soon as they appear via On Demand or downloadable from iTunes, watch them over and over, then trade quotes from the show endlessly around the Web:

"You smell like brisket."

"I was a taller girl, too, once."

"Paris! You cut this like you don't know anything."

"It tastes like there was paper close to it." (BTW, I've had whole years that tasted like that. )

"I am Viacheslav Romanov, reporting to you live from small, filthy bathtub in Newark, Delaware, United States of Amerifunk."

"Can I offer you advice from an older person?" "No." "Everybody gonna die!"

Johnny, your show is so much better than DWTS could ever be. Your show is what every show wishes it could be when it grows up.

And while Evan is busy cheesing it up on DWTS, we'll be cheering for you at Worlds in Torino.

So go for it, Evan. Enter DWTS: The Portal to Oblivion.

Go toward the light, Evan. Go toward the light.

(Thanks to the anonymous commenter at  Aunt Joyce's Ice Cream Stand 
for the phrase, "Portal to Oblivion"!)
copyright 2010 Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved


Anonymous said...

Love it. And, love all the quotes. He's been saying great lines in all his recent interviews too, I've been posting some on his FB. I find myself repeating these through out the day when I'm alone, glad no one's heard me or they are going to think I'm crazy.

Today kept quoting the great David Wilson: "The Johnny's back in Johnny!" Love it.

Anonymous said...

Loved the look on the little girls face when Johnny told her that he too was once a taller girl. Priceless!

I also eat my cheese like Paris does.

Thank Johnny for bringing some light into my life.

sweetsexysean said...

This is good though.......right? Because this mean EVIL ahem Evan won't be at WORLDS........yes? Anyone.......Anyone? LOL

Moe said...

Ridiculous! Is him being on DWTS supposed to help his career? And then whenever he gets his awkward monkey arse out there on the dance floor and embarrasses himself, he will slowly start to realize that no one cares about him. Like I said before, they'll have to end up pairing him with an amazonian woman in order for him to look decent. Most of the women dancers on that show are shrimps!

laura linger said...

I have never been inspired by anyone on DWTS to write. JW inspired me enough to break free of a three-year grief-imposed creative funk.

ProgGrrl said...

DWTS is way, way, WAY below Johnny's league. If Johnny's league exploded, no one on the DWTS set would even hear the sound for a light-year or two.

So true, so true.

I need to add a quote -

“So, to have this mammoth thing shoved in me…” *pause, smirk*

Misfit Mimes said...

ProgGrrl: I LOVE that quote!! And the look on his face... :)

Misfit Mimes said...

Laura: And your break-out piece inspired by Johnny is simply brilliant! Anyone who hasn't read it yet, go here IMMEDIATELY: It's AbFab, just like Johnny!

Anonymous said...

Well said, my friend, well said.

auntyamyj said...

Ack, I need to get a new obsession, I think I'm getting carpal tunnel from trolling the internet trying to find any snippit of info on Sir Johnny. That's right, I do believe he should be knighted, just like Elton. As for Evan, he's about as exciting as a fence post, and has the personality of one as well. Good for him to take DWTS, excellent. He and Kate Gosselin can compare notes on how to improve their personality traits. Maybe on DTWS they can do something about his hair... just sayin'
As far as Sweet Johnny goes, my favorite quote so far has to be "I'm sorry I would never want to offend anyone who would give money to our federation or to my sport"... or maybe, "You haven't done anything since I've been home except get up and walk". God, I love this kid!

Izabela said...

Oh, I love it! That's one of the best things I have read in a while! Good writing, Misfit Mimes! Love the honesty and your sense of humor! GO Johnny, GO! We lova ya, hun!!!

ann foxlee said...

So, SOOOO true!!!
At first I was a little miffed that DWTS had picked Evan over Johnny, and then I realized what a blessing in disguise that was. It actually proved that Evan is a D-list star, and Johnny is rapidly making his way up to A-list. He is too big for DWTS, and they know it, so they picked the cheeseball arm-flailer who is at their level of insignificance.

Lillian said...

Misfit Mimes - You are a great writer! Thanks for stating what we are all thinking

#1) Dancing with the Has Beens is a gross show.

#2) The quotes you captured are my favorites too. I usually have to rewind to listen again and catch the expression on the faces of whomever involved to get the full impact.

I look forward to reading more....

Misfit Mimes said...

Thank you all! Lillian, "Dancing With the Has-Beens"--brilliant! And Ann, "cheeseball arm-flailer"--wonderful image (and correctly hyphenated, too!--it's so hard to find good hyphenators) that will make me smile the rest of the day.

Anonymous said...

I have one thing to say: I eat cheese the RIGHT way! :-D


TabbyCat said...

Evan is not a mongoose. He is a jumping spider.

Sorry. I had to say it. I really did.

And, honestly? I might have watched Dancing with the Dorks if Johnny had been on it.

But, to tell you the truth, I had to roll my eyes when Naperville picked my birthday as SpiderEvan Lysachek Day. National. Effin' Spider day? Really?

Kick bricks, Naperville. Kick bricks.