Tuesday, March 2, 2010

"Stars on Ice" Minus Johnny Weir Adds Up to One Big ClusterSmuck

Aunt Joyce's Ice Cream Stand has an excellent entry on the car wreck that is the Smucker's Stars on Ice (SOI) figure-skating tour.

The salient--and unimaginably short-sighted--point here is that Johnny Weir, who has no equal on or off the ice, has never been invited to tour with SOI. Not now. Not ever. Not as a two-time Olympian, nor even when he was the reigning three-time US National Champion.

Scott Hamilton, 1984 Olympic gold medalist and SOI producer, is a member of the Church of Christ, a far right-wing fundamentalist church. You may now jump to your own conclusions. ("I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were." Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 2, episode 15.)

Dear Stars on Ice: No Johnny Weir? Smuck You

Yup. Johnny Weir, the one male figure skater with 41,172 Twitter followers and 28,496 Facebook fans (and those numbers will be outdated by the time you read this) will not be part of the [financially struggling] tour [playing to half-empty arenas]--even though nearly all of those followers and fans would gladly shell out for a minimum $24.50 ticket to see Johnny.

Let's do the math...

Why yes, that's correct: All those minimum-price tickets would total almost $1.71 million--a number only slightly higher than the total number of YouTube views of Johnny's Poker Face videos alone

Interestingly, rumor has it that Evan Lysacek was already signed to tour with SOI this year before he even got off the plane in Vancouver. How fortunate for Scott that Evan won the gold medal.

How fortunate for the rest of us that before SOI's lame tour even begins, Evan will be cheesing it up on Dancing With the Stars--and we'll be watching Johnny at Worlds in Torino.


Samuel L. Jackson attends SOI: "Enough is enough!
I have HAD it with these mothersmucking snakes
on these mothersmucking skaters!"

So again with the math:

Stars on Ice
=  Scott's Fundy Freakshow
     (with special thanks to Laura Weiss Linger*
     for that marvelous descriptor)
=  Scott Hamilton + Evan Lysacek - Johnny Weir
=  not even worth the energy it takes to type
    "EPIC SMUCKING FAIL," let alone the price of a ticket.

*Also from Laura: "The only way I want to see the words 'Johnny' and 'Smuckers' in the same sentence is if it involves Johnny rolling around in strawberry jam clad only in his underwear, and the rest of us jam lovers getting to lick it off him at $5 a pop." That works for me, too.

copyright 2010 Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved


Anonymous said...

Just FYI, while I love Johnny Weir and he is a three-time national champion, he's not the reigning national champion. Jeremy Abbott is.

ann foxlee said...

bwaahaaahaaaa!!!! I couldn't have said it better myself-- so 'smucking' right!

Misfit Mimes said...

Lilith, right you are! What I meant was, even during the time that Johnny WAS the reigning three-time US champion, SOI pointedly ignored him. I've edited the post to clarify. Thanks for your sharp eye!

Anonymous said...

I'm right there with you. I would only buy a ticket to the show if Johnny Weir was in it. Scotty "ugh ugh ugh" Hamilton can go Smuck himself. (that was my impression of SH's vocalizations during the skaters' landings during his Olympic commentary, btw)

And I would gladly lick the jam off Johnny any day. *sigh*

Monicia Warner said...

I am loving this piece! Very well written! I was not previously aware that Stars on Ice was struggling financially but I am certainly glad you brought this to light Misfit! Even though the petition was started on FB, I secretly knew there was no hope for getting Johnny involved with that tour. Scott Hamilton has always had a 'closeted disgust' for Johnny, probably dating back to his early figure skating days. Evan and Scott have been friends for quite some time now and when The Today Show had Evan on as a guest, Scott (Evan's idol supposedly) showed up to bring Evan his very first figure skating costume (AWWW!) they both discussed how amazing Frank Carol (Evan's coach) is and Scott just absolutely GUSHED over Evan's performance and work ethic. I was getting ready for school and it literally almost made me want to puke. Its basically just an ad campaign for Scott himself and his dare-I-say-it 'clustersmuck' of a tour. Scott has always hidden his disdain for Johnny, but within the past 2 years, and especially at tihs Olympics, he could barely suppress it. And it was very sad really. Made him look like a complete idiot and simultaneously become cast out, if not hated, by Johnny's wide ranging fan base. Here's to hoping that next time NBC covers a figure skating competition, they hire someone that is actually competent enough and has absolutely no bias for/against particular skaters. He must not charge very much for an appearance/commentating spot since he's a has been.

Lillian said...

Sam Jackson quote is brilliant! Well done.